Tuesday, April 28, 2009

So Here's Where I Am

Hate to say it, but this one is probably going to be long.

So here's where I am at my life right now, broken down into several parts: bisexuality and relationships, personal philosophy, overall happiness, and whatever else I want to throw into the end.

So let's start at bisexuality. I recognize it in myself, yet can't come to terms with it. To be quite honest I would much rather be gay. Here are two cases to illustrate what I'm feeling. Haha both of them happen to be from the same class, go figure. So in my biology class, there is this really cute boy. I can't help but look in class and steal glances whenever I can. It's almost an animal magnetism, and there are more boys that do that too me as well. That's all well and good and I'm fine with that. I've pretty much always liked boys. However, there are some girls that I feel that same animal attraction with, albiet there are much fewer of them. When I say animal attraction, I really mean I just want to be close to them and to touch them and to have them for my own. Ok so with that in mind, I realized, or rather re-realized, this week that I am without much doubt, bisexual. I still don't like this though. I'm not sure why I don't. Maybe it's because I've spent a good deal of my life wishing I fit in (especially growing up non-mormon in a predominately mormon state). It's not like i'm osteracized, it's just I can't relate in a lot of ways. Well, I feel the same way about bisexuality I guess. There isn't the big of a community where I live that I know about and so it's really hard to relate to other people. I mean one of my friends is bi, but she's a girl. It's different, or at least it is in my mind (it probably isn't though and I should talk to her more). So I'm still feeling conflicted there.

Ok ready for a breather, I know I am. So here's a cute boy.

Ok, now that you've enjoyed that. Now comes relationships. I'm not very good in this area. I have trouble establishing lasting relationships. Example. I'll meet people in class, talk with them laugh with them have good times. Then when class is over, I'll not really ever talk to them again. Or I don't think I've ever gone and hung out with someone from class. The friendships I have now, I've had for a long time. This gets to be a problem when friends start going their own ways. The relationships that I want/need are the romantic kinds and in that area I'm hopelessly lost. This is where the bisexual thing comes out again. First of all I don't know where to meet men, and second, I say I like options, but I don't really. What I mean is, I would much rather find all girls icky and never want to have any sort of romantic relationship with them. That way I could concentrate on finding guys. That's what I really want to do right now is look for a nice guy, but these damn girls keep coming into my life and start confusing me all over again. In short I don't know what I want but I want it now.

Another breather? Maybe I shouldn't have done this all at once...

Ok so I think I'll just skip my personal philosophy stuff because I know many people aren't really interested in that. It's really just a product of my thinking too much which leads to internal conflicts that I can generally resolve given some time. So I won't bother you with the details of that.

Overall despite all of this. Well I don't know that I would say I'm happy all the time, but I certainly experience moments of joy. Last night being a prime example. Went and saw John Schofield, a jazz/blues guitarist. One of the best concerts of my life. I was just so in the moment, it was great. I felt really happy then. Gardening I feel really happy doing as well. When I'm doing that my mind is busy and I have a good goal to focus on. When a stranger smiles at me, I feel joy in those moments. In seeing a friend I find happiness. The happiness is there and depending on the occasion, the joy carries on for a little while after. But it fades, and I start thinking again, and wrestling with everything and life becomes this struggle again where I feel I longing that I can't identify. I just do not know.

Oh well, that's life. Or at least that's what all the people say. I can be riding high one moment shot down the next. We'll see if I let it get me down.

In other news. I have a new follower! Whoo. I'm now up to two (official followers that is). If there is one thing I could use in my life right now though, it's some love and attention. So spare a minute and give me one of life's joyous moments.

Ok I'm sorry that was so long. I guess I'll give you one last reward.


  1. Matt

    hi how are you doing today. happiness i wish i could bottle it and give it to you but you have to find some for your own. Follow up with friends call them and do things with them

    Cant help you about where to find men :(

    btw if you have a chance could you look at this

    take care and be safe


  2. wow,

    I can understand that being bi would def be harder
    it's like ur gay, but you have even more internal conflict regarding ur sexual identity

    i don't have any advice, but hang in there man

    I think i konw that longing too... i think everyone does.

    but yea
    we should IM some time, u got msn

    i'm a philosophy major, so i'd love to hear ur thoughts

    much love


  3. Is there an LGBT organization at your school? If so, that'd be a good place to meet boys who like boys. I'd also recommend looking into local organizations for LGBT youth. Many large cities have them; my husband and I are adult volunteers at the one in our area, in fact.

    As for finding yourself attracted to some girls, well, that's who you are. If you were to have a relationship with a girl, however, you need to ask yourself if that would be enough for you. In other words, were you to be in a relationship with a girl would she be enough to satisfy you emotionally and physically? You need to be as honest with yourself as possible in this regard. I know that's not necessarily easy, though.

  4. hi matt. i know that feeling. i was convinced i was bi for a long time before i finally realized that i am in fact gay. i still see girls who i think are attractive, but that's about all. i don't have any fantasies about them or long to be with them. for me to be truly happy i need to find a guy. and that is yet another frustration i share. where does one go to meet guys? i have you linked on my blog btw, and you have another follower. :p i have some catching up to do on your blog. i hope we can talk sometime...it's always nice to meet someone who has a real love for music. :)



  5. I actually was kinda looking foreward to your personal philosophy part. But I do understand the whole bi thing, it's a struggle I'm going through too. I'm a lot like you surprisingly. I'm almost convinced I'm gay and then one or two girls will make me question everything I know. It's tough...hang in there.