Saturday, April 11, 2009

Tired of Being Alone

It's not really news, nor groundbreaking or profound, but I'm tired of being alone. This whole weekend I've just really wanted a hug. Haven't gotten it yet, probably won't. *sigh* Story of my life.

There's actually a party I could be at tonight. Not sure why I'm not there. Probably because I have no one to go with, even though it's a birthday party for one of my friends, and I'll probably know some people there, and by know I mean have at least met once. Where am I though? At home, typing words into the internet, words that probably won't ever get a response. Why am I here? To be honest, fear. Irrational fear I know, unfounded fear, but fear nonetheless. Stupid thing is, is that I told myself earlier this week that I was going, no matter what. Well, I'm not very good at keeping promises, even to myself.

I'm a weird person. I live in my own little world until I get pulled out of it, then I'm as sociable as can be. Laughing and being witty and a great conversationalist. Try to pull it back into intimacy and I retreat again.

I suppose this is a good place to tell y'alls (read: Dan (if even him)) about my first and only girlfriend. I guess it all started when I got my first job at a theater selling concessions (still working there, it's a great place). A few of my friends were working there and I got a job as well. That's where I met Marie (not her real name but whatever). She was pretty and nice. Needless to say I liked working with her. Well nothing really happened until a few months down the line she asked me out (yeah, bad sign there, man I'm pathetic). It was a fun first date, we went to this "coffee shop" deal her school did, sort of a talent show/open mic (minus the mic) with coffee. She knew people I didn't, as a result I said kinda quiet.

Then I went to San Fran on vacation, which was a fantastic trip. Loved it so much. When I wasn't taking in the sights though, I was texting with Marie, and that was a lot. We planned our next date: a picnic on the front lawn in front of the theater before work. I picked up some sandwhiches and she brought some sides. I brought my guitar and played a few numbers. Now mind you, I don't play for other people often, and this was back before I played for hardly anyone at all. Point being, it was a big deal. I ended on "Your Song" by Elton John. It was a good note to end on.

So we kept hanging out. After one time of hanging at my friend Adam's house, we all took her home. I walked her to her front porch, and my friends drove away, to give us privacy. Well, before anyone gets ahead of themselves, I chickened out on a kiss. Went for a hug, she was ready for a kiss. So, the next time we worked together she gave me a ride to work. When she drove me home she walked me to my porch. After much small talk we finally kissed for the first time, my first time ever. It was nice, I didn't know what to expect and I was quite worried up to that point, but it went fine.

I'll take the time here to note that she and I are quite similar people. Same taste in music, same philosophical views. We were, and still probably are, a pretty good match, but that didn't matter when it ended.

Back to the story at hand. More dates and what have you, we declared it official, and I was on top of the world. She's a dancer (yeah I know, I really was out of my league). I went to her dance recitals, brought her flowers. She went to my plays (I did a fair bit of Drama in Highschool) and brought me flowers. She asked me to her prom, I said yes. We went, had fun. I did the most dirty dancing I've ever done, to be quite honest I'm not a fan. Got to drive her Dad's Jaguar to and from prom, that was awesome.

Time gets muddled at this point in our history, but I do remember one distinct incident. I was driving her home from a movie or something and before we got to her house she had me pull over and turn the lights out. She asked if my seat reclined, it did. Let me tell you, if you've never made out in the driver's seat of a car, it's an experience that comes highly recommended by me.

Well time went on, she graduated. I graduated. Both great events. We baked cookies together. We went to some movies. Summer came quick and I went off to the Carribean on cruise with my friends. Simply amazing. She didn't let me enjoy it to my full potential though. I was still crazy about her, and so I didn't chase any tails on the boat (not that I would have anyway). I bought her quite a fair bit of jewrly to make up for my embarrasing lack of gifts for her birhtday and graduation and just for being her boyfriend.

It's easy for me to say "what was I thinking!" now but at the time I'm pretty sure I was in love or what I thought to be love. I don't throw that word out there without some serious gravity. Well, I never said it to her. Even if I had been feeling it, I couldn't say it.

Looking back now I still put the silver lining on that cloud of freezing wetness. In all reality, I was awkward with her. I didn't kiss her enough, I didn't hold her enough, I never told her I loved her. I'll admit there was a hell of a lot I could and should have done but didn't. Well damnit I was working up to it! I take a long time to become truly comfortable with someone and I thought I was falling in to that. She never gave me the chance, but before I get ahead of myself again let me continue.

I get back from my cruise, tan and ladened with gifts and eager to see her again. Well the first arrangement we made (and one of the last) was for breakfast before she had to be off to do something or another. It was nice breakfast and conversation and after we went to a park so I could give her my presents. I did and she at least acted like she loved them. Things after the cruise are suspect to suspicion for this is where things turned. After that breakfast together I wasn't to see for another 2 weeks or there abouts.

It's not like I didn't try. I tried very hard. I tried calling, I tried texting. Hell I even went to her house eventually to be sure she wasn't dead. This was a bad sign like a dead body is a bad sign, and I ignored it like a man who won't look down despite the smell. When I finally went to her house it was July 2nd I think. Well the next day I finally get a text from her apologizing for being so "flaky." Flaky my ass, she dissappeared! Granted that first weekend of her dissappearence she went on a mini trip, but nothing to indicate that she had gotten back.

Well my friend Morgan helps with a fireworks show on July 3rd and Marie and I finally got together. At the end of the night I drove her home and we sat on her porch until July 4th talking about this and that. I could tell something was on her mind and eventually it came out. We should just be friends. Well I had a truly independent independence day after that. A miserable one at that.

It wasn't until later that I learned why she broke up with me. I was boring. My translation. I had intimacy problems that I was slowly working on and she set them back to where they were.

There's more to this story and she's not out of my life at this point of the story, she is now though thank god.

This has taken me forever to write and no one will probably read it all but if they do and comment it would make my month.

To anyone who ever reads this, thanks,



  1. matt

    i read it all and have y wn little horror story from many years ago but if women appeal to you then do not forget that side of you

    and the thing about failures is we need them in life to succeed so i know this maybe painful and you believe you have issues left to overcome but look at where you were and where you finished

    progress was made, take care and be safe


  2. Ok so I just found your blog, with some help tonight so I figured I'd start from the beginning and read everything. But I figure this comment will make your month so I will have plenty of time to read and write other comments =)

    Similar to what bob said, I think situations like this build who we are and define us. we have to learn from things like this.

    it's cool to find another bi musician though. I play drums. Hopefully we can chat sometime about music and stuff. But I need to catch up on all your posts first.

  3. Hey, I know it's May now but only just found your blog (thanks to Dan).

    I've started at the beginning so I doubt I'll be up-to-date for a while, but I really like what I've read so far.

    You were young, hell you still are, and you have to take things at your own pace. Don't let yourself be pressured into things you're not comfortable with. Whether that's doing something or just saying something like "I love you!"... it's your call!

    Relationships aren't easy. Lol! But, they require work, patience and understanding from both parties. She let a prize catch go from what I know about you so far!

    Looking forward to reading more!

    Take care,

  4. hah! well i beat them all, coz i'm over 4 months late!

    a touching tale Matt, and it must have hurt like crazy at the end, but equally you obviously had great times along the way.


    so that's 2 hugs in one night, yet separated by 4 months. how weird is that!

  5. i just read this. it was sad and adorable.