Sunday, May 23, 2010

=( / hubjkljhbhjbhvtyhgyuig / hmmm.... (A Three Act Play)

I saw him at a party tonight, totally not ready. =(

Hours later...

Fuck i'm insane, i'm starting to feel ok with everything and I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO BE OK

I'd rather be miserable and in love than ok.

a little while later

hmmm...  i don't really know what i'm feeling now.

I've spent this whole week trying to get over him and now that i'm pretty much there, i decide i don't like that.


  1. Matt... When I was 20, and living far away from home, I met, and fell in love ( head over heels) with a boy 3 years younger than me... We had a relationship that spanned a year or so, and was tumultuous because of the times, and because of the interference of his 'lovely' family... We vowed, to each other, at one point, towards the end, that, no matter what happened, we would love each other FOREVER... I still have a special place in my heart for him today.

    In those days, I was involved in an athletic career, that demanded a certain amount of travel, so, when the time came, we said our tearful goodbyes (I was to be gone for 3 months- no cell phones or texting, then... lol... ), and I left for the tour with a very heavy heart... I called him as much as I could, but couldn't get through because of his 'wonderful' mother, who, as it turned out, also refused all the letters that I posted to him...

    I returned 3 months later, quite distraught, as you can imagine... John was the reason I lived and breathed, in those days. Every attempt I made to contact him was thwarted by his mother, and I got truly desperate. She showed up at my door one day, and even threatened to involve the police. (John was turning 18, but still, technically, a minor) I felt like my world was imploding...

    About that time, his younger brother showed up at my door, and explained (lovingly- a great kid) what abuse John had suffered while I was gone... The daily threats, the possibility of being committed to an adolescent facility, the humiliating remarks, to the point that he finally agreed to the path of least resistance, and told his family that he really wasn't gay... just curious... Dear God... It tore my heart out... To this day, I've NEVER felt so devastated.

    Fast foward 2 months... I was sitting in a barber chair, getting a haircut, when, in walks John, with his 'girlfriend' draped around him, like a cheap sweater... I mean, she couldn't keep her hands off him!! We made brief eye contact, but, I couldn't stand it... I felt like I was going to have a heart attack... Looking back, it was probably a panic attack- I never had one, before, or since. I left, as soon as I could. We never spoke again. I love him still.

    You never completely forget... It just gets easier with time... luv, tman<3

  2. sigh Matt-- Im really sorry. I wish there were a magic pill to take to forget people. Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Its a nice idea :-)

    Well take care-

  3. tman- geez, so much excitement! Luckily with time, for me all things shall fade. I just don't want that to happen sometimes though... oh well

    Steeve- I haven't seen it yet! But i got a netflix account recently so I'll have to queue it up!