Tuesday, May 11, 2010



Where have I been?


School caught up to me, life caught up to me. I needed a break. I still need a break, but I'm posting here because yeah...

Anyway, hopefully I'll finish this before I have to go to the dentist. I'm going in for my first fillings in m life... That's depressing.

Also, I need to get over Isaac, that's depressing too.

But a little less self-explanatory, allow me to fix that.

So I can't be bothered to see where I last left off with the Isaac saga, but I'll pick it up with me asking him what his thoughts on relationships were. And they were: Not really a fan of labels, not sure if he wants to be in one right now, besides, we're both going away for school, but I really like hanging out with you, is that ok?

Sure it's ok. At first I was totally like, "yeah, that makes sense. Alright, we're gonna keep hanging out and I'll just keep on keeping on!" Well, we went to a movie the following Wednesday. I think it was a bit awkward, we didn't talk much, but then again he's pretty quiet. Anyway, after the movie we went to get some coffee and talk, and he brought up our conversation on Sunday, which by the way, and i admitted this as well, it was through text which wasn't a good idea. Anyway, we talked about it, I fumbled around with my words, but he said he really liked me.

I'm still not sure if he meant it. After that we didn't really hang out that weekend, he was busy with stuff and by sunday when I invited him to dinner with some friends and a concert afterwards he was too beat to come. So whatever, I was disappointed, but I understood. Well he's had AP tests last week, so I guess he's got some excuse, but he's seemed a bit distant.

Like one of my biggest pet peeves ever in any sort of relationship is having to make all the effort. Lately I've been feeling like I've been doing just that with Isaac. Anyway, by the weekend I just stopped texting him  entirely, waiting for him to come to me. I broke first. So we're talking again, but it feels different, it doesn't feel like the beginning when the feeling of excitment seemed mutual and we both seemed into each other. I feel like he's made a bigger impression on me, than I have on him.

I dunno. I want to say it's just life getting in the way. As soon as I decide to go away for school and get everything finalized, I meet someone who also happens to be going away. Life does dumb shit sometimes, it's not fair, but I'll get over it, and him.

However this morning, and I wasn't going to put this here, but it's what I was thinking so I'm going to anyway, I was thinking.

I am a mildly attractive, awkward, neurotic, and insecure person with enough confidence to carry a conversation on small talk, but who falls apart when it comes to the simplest intimacy like holding hands, who is mediocre in nearly every sense except that I have a taste in people that is not mediocre, which makes me think why they would bother with me.

Told you I shouldn't have put that. Oh well.

Pity party time.


I'm the only one invited, so don't bother showing up.

In other news, I am now done with this semester,



  1. maybe you put your finger on it, Matt... If you're afraid of intimacy, maybe Isaac has picked up on the wrong signals, or feels that there just isn't time to get anything going, before you split for different schools. He may be more practical than you are, but, that doesn't make it easy, I know. If life was fair, I'd have ignored my career, and stayed where I was when I was 20 years old, and madly in love with a guy that I still think about, all these years later!! So, grab some chocolate, hook up some tunes, and enjoy whatever time you have till college steals your free time!! luv, tman<3

  2. It took me 3 weeks to comment on your last post, hey, 3 days for this one aint bad!

    Like tman said. If you let yourselves fall for each other totally, then life just gets crazy. It's not about you, it's just bad timing.

    Afraid of intimacy? For most guys letting someone get close is hard work. It's not as easy as it is for straight guys, we're well practised at internalising our feelings. When the time is right you'll make the effort and you'll get there. The alternative is being one of those clingy drama queens with dependency issues. I don't think that's you.

    Mediocre? You know this is crap. You're not a driven, success junkie who believes he is the greatest thing since jesus christ? Thank god for that. Maybe it's an american thing to see this as failure, but it's part of what I like in you.

    I've been reading ForMySake's reflections while he has been in Europe. I've loved the perspective it's given on himself and his life. Travel is great for getting to know yourself as much as it helps you get to know the rest of the world. I know, money...., but you gotta do it. Soon.

  3. Thanks you two for being the only ones who seems to give a damn right now.

    @tman - I know it's just bad timing and life isn't fair, I understand it, but still... why does it have to be so unfair... haha

    @Billy - I generally don't think it's all about me, but still... As for clingy-ness, what's worse, someone who's clingy, or someone who's never there?

    Finally, I have traveled. Quite extensively for someone my age. I have been to everywhere in the US besides the Midwest and the deep south, I've been to Costa Rica, Europe, Canada and Mexico, trust me, I've put in my miles already. That being said, a vacation sounds lovely about now.