Saturday, June 19, 2010

Come On Up to the House

So warning: right now I'm feeling pretty blegh... I'm fairly miserable. Why does getting over someone have to take so long?

I suppose I'll explain (that is why I blog I guess). I randomly decided to text Isaac on thursday (because he can never be bothered to text me first), well that was probably a mistake. I've been feeling depressed ever since really. It's just small talk and all that, but still, it hurts.

Time has gone by so fast, yet it feels like it was ages ago since I first met him and we hit it off.

In the time since I've realized things weren't going to work out, I've been moody, depressed, bitter, angry, worn down, and when I'm happy, it's fleeting and overshadowed with the thought that it won't last.

Yesterday was particularly crappy for the most part. I know it's going to be a bad day when I wake up feeling bad. Usually I can sleep a bad night off, but when it lingers into the next day like a bad uninvited party guest, you resign yourself once again to the knowledge that the fun times are over. I lost my badge at work yesterday, which isn't really that big of a deal, a minor inconvenience (I have a new one now), but on top of feeling bad, and finding out that my Academic Adviser has been gone for weeks and isn't going to be back until the week following next, and that I can sign up for classes in Washington on Monday and that I really can't do that until I get my plan for the year signed off by him, puts me close to the edge. Basically I lost all joy at work (not that there's much to begin with... haha). I did get an "awesome job!" for cleaning and organizing the copy room and had a brief field-trip taking the box-truck to get an oil change, so that cheered me up a bit. Later my friend Chase texted me seeing if I wanted to do something, I did.

We went up one of the canyons here and took a night hike up the road past where it closes for the winter. We must have walked for 3-4 miles up the road before turning back. It was the perfect temperature and such a lovely night. When we got back we had Del Taco and I stuffed myself silly before turning him away and turning in for the night.

Well, I get on facebook like I usually do, and my friend Sam asks me if I'm going on the Big Gay Camp Out, which is where a bunch of us queers go up to some property and I assume get drunk and screw and have fun and go home in the morning. Well I asked who all was going, basically rooting out if Isaac is going, he is.

I'm still not sure if I want to go, I've said that I would like to but still... I have things to say to Isaac that I know will ruin my night and his as well, if reality met my imagination. See, I have a bad habit of imagining full scenarios in my head, full of drama and intrigue and with endings that fit my vision of how the world should work. Reality never lives up.

I know that if I go, I will be disappointed and miserable.

I also know that if I don't go, I will be disappointed and miserable as well.

We'll see what happens.


I know rarely do people listen to the songs I post and even more rare would they ever analyze the lyrics given that they were provided, but I'd like to keep a record of this song and why I keep listening to it over and over again as I write this post.


The best verse:

There's nothing in the world 
That you can do
You gotta come on up to the house
And you've been whipped by the forces
that are inside you,
You gotta come on up to the house

Well you're high on top
of your mountain of woe
gotta come on up to the house
oh you know you should surrender
but you can't let go,
you gotta come on up to the house.

Come on up to the house
come on up to the house
This world is not my home
I'm just passing through
gotta come on up to the house.


Where the house is, and what it means, I haven't a clue yet,


Matt

2 comments:

  1. I hope you get to feeling better quickly and that next week is a good one for you.

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  2. you're wrong, kid...I listen to all the songs, and, by the way, the lyrics here can be interpreted a few completely different ways... It seems to me that the 'house' is the Lord's place- church... 'You want to surrender, but you can't let go'... looking for the type of help that only God can provide, in your worst crisis... Of course, then you can interpret the last line of the verse you picked to mean that none of us are really home until we join Him in the promised life, after we pass from this realm, into the next... Just my take... Kind of a redux of an old church spiritual...
    I hope that the hikes bring you closer to home and the love of your friends gives you comfort... luv, tman<3

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