Sunday, June 20, 2010

I hate this

So, yesterday didn't turn out as shitty as I thought it would have.

I ended up going downtown walk around for a while. Ran into a friend working. Then I ran into another friend who I ended up spending the rest of the afternoon and getting dinner with. Then I saw Prince of Persia with another group of friends. Didn't end up going on that campout, thank god, and I stayed the night at a friend's apartment.

Despite all this, I now feel depressed again. Fuckin hell, I hate this. I'm as much to blame as any though. I keep talking to the son of a bitch even though it kills me after every time I do. It seems like I initiate conversation, blather on about banalities and then feel like shit afterwards.

Ugh. I'm so done with this.

I was in such a good mood earlier, then I had to talk to him on facebook. Why? God knows, maybe I'm hoping he'll ask if I'm ok, or how I'm feeling. And when I tell him not so great, but don't worry about it, that he'll say, no what is it? It's never going to happen though.

It's like I'm bottling all this up inside, the bitterness the heart-break, the love. It's not like I'm not trying to release it elsewhere, god knows my friend's are all probably sick of hearing me whine about him, or if they aren't, I'm afraid I'm going to start to bother them. The release would be to tell him all about what i'm feeling, but there is really no point. It's not like anything is going to change, I doubt it would make me feel better.

Fuck.


Whatever.


Also, because I have no motivation to respond to tman's comment on my last post with a comment on that post, i'm putting it here.

I don't think it's about going to God. If you know Tom Wait's other material, he has a very skeptical vision of religion and god in general (see the song God's Away on Business). Considering the line in the song, "Come off of the cross, we could use the wood," indicates to me that we should stop martyring people and do some real effective good in the world that crosses won't fix. I still haven't an idea what the house is, but I'm willing to bet, it's not God's house.


Anyway, sorry for the bitch fit,


Matt

5 comments:

  1. matt

    hugs buddy i know how painful it canbe at times but hang in there

    take care and be safe

    bob

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  2. huh?? not your interpretation... that's entirely possible... I'm not into his (Wait's) work... just an uneducated guess, really....

    What really amuses/amazes me, is the lack of 'motivation' that you speak of.... Geezz, I'm trying to remember the last time you actually commented on one of my comments... You know, Matt, it takes effort to stop here and comment.... If you would rather that I don't, I'll understand... I'm starting to feel like I'm intruding- the LAST thing that I want to do.... luv, tman

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  3. tman - Believe me, I know a thing or two about not wanting to intrude! You are most certainly more than welcome to comment, and they are very much so appreciated. If you haven't noticed, I have gone back and commented on a lot of comments. What I meant was that I didn't have the motivation to go back, and make a comment in the comment section, I most certainly did want to respond though.

    Anyway, I suppose not knowing Tom Waits and listening to that song it would sound like a fairly straight-forward gospel number, however, Waits has always been very subversive in his music and lyrics.

    Here's an article you may find interesting about Tom Waits' music, http://faith-theology.blogspot.com/2007/12/tom-waits-theologian-of-dysangelion.html

    Please don't ever feel that you are intruding though. You're comments are always interesting, and they always seem to stir up some sort of emotion in me, which is good. Forgive me if I don't always respond though. I have bouts of anti-social periods mixed with particularly social ones. It's not you, it's me.

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  4. OK Matt... I guess I was taking it the wrong way... Long day, hot day, hard work= fried brain... lol... I do remember that you went back and covered the comments... Sorry... Now, get out of the house and try to enjoy your freedom... I know you're sad, but, the best way to break the cycle is with fresh air and human contact.
    And, if that's what Wait's is selling.... well, good for critical thinking, bad for a positive approach to life... lol of course, he can afford to be moody and depressed- he's loaded, and doesn't have to work every day!! lol luv, tman<3

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  5. hey, kid, I just checked out the link (you knew I would- I can't help myself...lol), and read the article, and the impression of some fans of his (Waits), when the light bulb went off in my head.... Duh... Many years ago, I had a very rich friend that lived in Newport, R.I. during the summer, and New York City in the winter as well as Virginia and other places where his family had estates... I'm talking old family money here!! Anyways, one spring/summer, I was on the way back north from the winter tour (my athlete years) and he asked me to come to his brownstone in New York and visit for a few days, and make an appearance at the Manhattan Club where he was a member... He had some problems ( he was a big-time alcoholic by that time), and I didn't really want to go, but felt compelled to at least try to talk to him about his drinking- it was obviously killing him.... all that money; He could have done ANYTHING that he wanted, but, his feet were stuck in mud... He lived his life vicariously, through me and others.... One of the others was a young Tom Waits... He asked me to stay longer that April, because he wanted me to meet this up and coming songwriter/musician, but, tbh I was completely fed up with his denial, and getting very depressed about his prospects with life... I had spent an entire night (literally), trying to talk some sense into a dying alcoholic, and was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.... I just couldn't stay a minute longer!! The name meant nothing to me, but, in the months after that, I was in contact with James (his name) , and he would mention the guy with such enthusiasm... he really loved his lyrics, and because he thought he was talented, he gave Tom the seed money to launch his career... I was happy, at the time, that James had another distraction... I was tired of the 2:30 a.m. phone calls, trying to make sense of a wasted life, so, I was happy, on that level, that he had some other cause in his life... Tom came back for money several times, after that, and launched a concert tour, and, well, the rest is history...
    I'm telling you this for different reasons, Matt... James died from his disease about a year and a half (as far as I remember) after that last time that I saw him in person... He was 38 years old... He died in the middle of the night, choking on his own vomit- alcoholics/drug abusers die like this sometimes... they don't wake up like the rest of us would... I was devastated, and full of the 'what ifs'... I didn't attend his funeral. I've never visited his grave. I don't think that it would help the feeling of frustration that I get, every time I think of him...
    He felt that the lyrics to Waits' songs spoke to him... He was full of despair... a life of wasted privilege... raised by nannies, etc. etc...
    I turned my back on that, many years ago, and learned the lessons of excess and despair... There are ALWAYS choices in life... It is up to us to make the right ones... I, for one, want to make a difference... I won't wallow in despair... it's just too self serving and frankly, doesn't wear well... Live your life with vigor, kid, while your body allows!! Be careful of the messages that you allow in... they all make a difference, some more than others... love you, Tman<3

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