Thursday, May 27, 2010

Addiction - Addendum

Can you be addicted to a person?

It sure feels like that right now with Isaac.

If I go a day without talking to him or whatever, I get that pain whenever I see his name and all that junk (plus I get really jealous when I see he's been out doing fun stuff with people I know, it's completely stupid and irrational and all that but whatever, it's what I feel). But when I just talk to him, I feel calmer.

I dunno.

In other news my abs are killing me. I wanted to go for a hike today but the weather was poopy so I didn't go. Hopefully it'll be better tomorrow.

Also, tomorrow my boss won't be at work, and he won't be there the following week at all. While this sounds awesome and like a vacation, it's not exactly that cool for me. I don't do well without some instruction with my job. It's very come as you are, do what needs to be done as it comes up. Usually my boss directs me towards what needs to be done. Granted, we went around the facilities today and came up with a big list of things to do, I'm just afraid that I'll finish it all too quickly and have nothing to do. I can't just pretend to work or just sit around either, I won't let myself.

Anyway, those are my ramblings for now. Went out to dinner with my brother today which was kinda nice, I like hanging out with him more and more now, he's such a different kid than I expected (or well... haha I guess I knew already...).

Alright, I'm gonna try to get some sleep,


Matt


Addendum: Perhaps it's time for Mexico...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'm Exhausted!

So I've decided I'm going to get serious with my exercising.

Today I went for a hike/run after work + did push ups and crunches.

I want to do a hike/run every tuesday and thursday and just keep up the crunches and push ups daily.

What I mean by hike/run is hike up the steep parts and run the flats.

I'm back to talking with Isaac, but it's a very healthy way of talking (at least for me). I don't feel pain when I do, I just enjoy talking to him, as a friend. Apparently he's been partying it up a bit too hard lately and has been slightly traumatized and is going back to being anti-social (or so sayeth facebook). I told him he'd better not disappear completely.

That snow we got yesterday? It was gone by the afternoon. The picture I didn't take (well... I took it from Google) but it fit the post.

Work's been good, as long as I'm busy it's good. I don't like sitting around too much.


Anyway, I should be getting to bed now.


Goodnight,


Matt

Monday, May 24, 2010

A New Week

It's snowing.

Waiting for the bus won't be fun... haha oh well.

I decided last night after a bit of pizza and Family Guy therapy I was going to be alright.

I'm not going to stop talking to Isaac, I'll still be friendly, but I think I've accepted that friendly is all it's going to be.

Speaking of which, I was literally picking up my phone to text him about the snow, and lo and behold, my phone buzzes and it's him. Haha what'da you know. I didn't feel overly happy, or sad for that matter, which I guess is good. He needs to elicit a more neutral emotion.

I'm not exactly thrilled to go to work, but then again, who is really?

I guess I just wanted to say, I'm going to be alright.


Matt

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Harump: Updated

Well, I guess I'm in a better mood than before.

Today's been an uneventful one. I've done laundry, read a bit of "Snow Falling on Cedars" (a good book, I'm re-reading it) and I've been playing my guitar a bit.

I'm still not sure where I stand on Isaac. Sam invited me to see Milk at the Pride Center tonight, but I'm probably not going to go. I want to, I want to see Isaac again (who will undoubtedly be there) but I don't want to risk slipping back into a bad mood.

I hope the whole summer won't be like this.

Update:

Despite by best efforts, I have slipped back into being depressed and sad.
I don't even know what's wrong. I don't know how to fix this.

I've already worn myself down, physically and emotionally, and it's not even June yet.

=( / hubjkljhbhjbhvtyhgyuig / hmmm.... (A Three Act Play)

I saw him at a party tonight, totally not ready. =(


Hours later...


Fuck i'm insane, i'm starting to feel ok with everything and I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO BE OK

I'd rather be miserable and in love than ok.


a little while later

hmmm...  i don't really know what i'm feeling now.

I've spent this whole week trying to get over him and now that i'm pretty much there, i decide i don't like that.

Friday, May 21, 2010

At the end of the week.

So...

I'm sorry if every post I make lately seems angry/depressed/down in general. I guess I'm just going through a lot of emotions.

For some reason I don't post when I'm feeling happy right now, which I have been.

Let's see...

I started working again on Wednesday, which has been really really good for me. I'm dead tired today as a result though (well that and the hike i went on yesterday too...).

So, rant time:

So let me preface this: For the most part I think I'm over Isaac except, everytime I see him on facebook, or hear him mentioned, whatever, I feel that weight hit my chest. Sometimes it's not bad, or even there, sometimes it hits heavily.

Well, tonight he posts this message saying "i'm so bored! why?!" or something like that. First thing that came to mind: "you're wondering why you're bored? Well you ass i told you before, I've told you again and again you can call me anytime." Or something like that.

I dunno.

This whole week I've kept busy and filled my social calender seeing a lot of friends. Now: I'm sitting home alone feeling lonely and listening to showtunes.

I've tried reaching people, but no one responds.

As a result, my brain (when I'm left alone with my thoughts these things happen) starts to think, "hey, everyone's out having loads of fun doing stuff, and they didn't bother to call you, or they are too busy to." This is most likely not true, but my thoughts spin out of control sometimes.


I dunno. It was a good day too.


Now I'm listening to "Nothing" from A Chorus Line for the 6th time.


Sorry for being soo depressing all the time lately.

Here's something humorous I posted to facebook today (which got more comments than I'm used to):

"Sometimes I feel too butch at work so I balance out the testosterone with showtunes to remind myself that I like boys."

I thought it was humorous at least.


Anyway...


I'm going to go do... something I guess... I don't know.


Matt

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Bsdflkj

Bitter and Depressed

Good night.

Update on how I'm doing

So today I woke up feeling really good, like, Ok, I'm ok.

That lasted about a half an hour until I really woke up. So I decided to get out of the house and distract myself.

On the bus there were a few times where I would randomly start to choke up and I had to control myself. Then I would have periods of calm and peace. But it's been a weird day.

I went to the library to drop off my showtune CDs, then went to the University to go to the Resource Center, saw some folks, went by the theater, talked to my friends there, took the light rail downtown, walked to my friend's house, who wasn't home yet, so went to my other friend's apartment who lives in the same building until he got home. We had lunch and went to his garden plot at the community gardens. Got back, went to dinner and another friend joined us. Himalayan food. Dropped by an anarchist collective, super cute guy there, went back to friend's apartment, made vegan cookies. Talked, laughed, had a good time.

Maybe mundane, but my day was one distraction after another. I knew as soon as I got home, and was alone, my thoughts have gone back to Isaac. I just keep thinking, "fuck."

At least I'm not crying again.

yet...


Matt

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Well... it's over.

Not that there really was anything.

I talked to Isaac. Basically: I want more, he doesn't want to get too attached before he leaves.

I guess I'll cry it all out today and start a new week tomorrow.

I suck... Update: showdown

So last night should have been really fun, but it ended up with me crying, so that's never really good.

Isaac and I went to a party with our other friend Sam last night. Like, I had to basically tell Isaac, "you're coming to pick me up." Well we go to the party and actually have a fairly good time, and then we went to Dee's after. Well I sat next to Isaac, basically stuck around him all night.

Well things went sour for me when someone asked if we were together. We both were like, "what?" and had to pause a second. I took a drink of water and Isaac just shook his head "no." I just muttered something like "awkward..." and yeah.

So after Dee's we went to this other guy's house to just talk with whoever was left from the party. Well we get there and as everyone settles down on the couches, Isaac plugs a whole between Sam and this other guy, so I sat on the floor. Eventually Sam got up and I took his seat next to Isaac, but I could bring myself to really touch him at all. Any confidence I once had with him is completely gone now. Anyway, he eventually gets up and lies on the floor and goes at sits on the other couch next to Sam again. At this point in the night I just really felt depressed.

Anyway, eventually he drives me home at like 5:00 AM. I get on facebook just to see who there is to talk to, my friend who's now in London was on so I unloaded on her, and that's when I started to cry, which was good because it helped relieve a little bit of this weight on my chest I've felt since Dee's, which I now realize is back.

So yeah. I'm kind of a wreck, because add on top of all of this, I started thinking about what I'm doing with my life and I realize that I have surrounded myself with all this talent that I don't feel I can ever reach and I don't know what to do with my life and things just aren't really good right now.


Sorry if you don't like downer posts, I don't particularly like writing them either, but it helps you know.


Anyway, bye,


Matt


UPDATE: So we were planning on hanging out today anyway, so I texted him if he still wanted to, and he said sure what do you want to do. So i said i dunno, i guess just go somewhere where we can talk.

He asked me, "about what?"

I've said, "umm... i guess about us."

So, I guess I'll be getting out in the open. I don't know what or if anything will change. I don't think it will, i don't know if it'll help or hurt more, but i feel like i should do it anyway.

So I guess it's showdown time.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Neato Torpedo?

Soo...

Sorry for the last two post No actually I'm not sorry. However, it's been a rough couple of weeks.

I actually think I may be mildly bi-polar, I don't really know. Lately I've been having mood swings, like I'll have a great day, and then by the night I'm pissed off and depressed, and then I'll have days the start out horribly and stay horrible, and I'll be in a foul mood or whatever. And then I'm happy again.

So

I'm feeling better today.

Went for a hike yesterday, didn't stop the whole way up, and ran the whole way down. I'm sore today, but I think I'm going to try to go regularly over the summer, get fit and all that.  I went by myself though. I sent out a, "hey anyone want to go hiking tomorrow?" type message on the facebook, and got one response, from this girl i knew in high school, who I never talk to.

I've been feeling quite loser-ish lately, and I wasn't feeling the love from blog-world lately, or from anyone else really. It starts to wear on you, you know.

Anyway, hiking, then I went to the library later that day and picked up 10 CDs of showtunes that I should have had already but didn't have. So I've been listening to: Girl Crazy, Into the Woods, In the Heights, Miss Saigon, Les Miserables (to be fair I have the symphonic london cast recording but this the original broadway cast), A Chorus Line, 42nd Street, Cabaret, Hair, and a fairly new show called [Title of Show]. These have put me in a good mood.

Also I went to tea with my friend Ian, we talked for like 2 1/2 hours (my record is 4 hours). It was a good thing for me to do.


Anyway. If you've thought the last few posts have been self-indulgent bullshit and I should just stop whining and get over myself, then fuck you too.  When I say "I get it" it means I understand and accept, I'm O.K. with it.

Neato torpedo?

Good,


Matt

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Ok, I get it.

I'm not popular.


I get it.


I don't make a post in weeks. No one comments asking where I've gone (ok scratch that, two - weeks later). No emails asking if I'm ok.


I get it.


When I do make a post, a thinly veiled cry for support. I get one person offering support.



I get it.


I see other people getting support right and left.


I get it.


Thanks for caring guys,



Matt

P.s. to those of you who do comment, or show concern, or notice when I'm gone, thank you.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Life

So,

Where have I been?

Busyland.

School caught up to me, life caught up to me. I needed a break. I still need a break, but I'm posting here because yeah...

Anyway, hopefully I'll finish this before I have to go to the dentist. I'm going in for my first fillings in m life... That's depressing.

Also, I need to get over Isaac, that's depressing too.

But a little less self-explanatory, allow me to fix that.

So I can't be bothered to see where I last left off with the Isaac saga, but I'll pick it up with me asking him what his thoughts on relationships were. And they were: Not really a fan of labels, not sure if he wants to be in one right now, besides, we're both going away for school, but I really like hanging out with you, is that ok?

Sure it's ok. At first I was totally like, "yeah, that makes sense. Alright, we're gonna keep hanging out and I'll just keep on keeping on!" Well, we went to a movie the following Wednesday. I think it was a bit awkward, we didn't talk much, but then again he's pretty quiet. Anyway, after the movie we went to get some coffee and talk, and he brought up our conversation on Sunday, which by the way, and i admitted this as well, it was through text which wasn't a good idea. Anyway, we talked about it, I fumbled around with my words, but he said he really liked me.

I'm still not sure if he meant it. After that we didn't really hang out that weekend, he was busy with stuff and by sunday when I invited him to dinner with some friends and a concert afterwards he was too beat to come. So whatever, I was disappointed, but I understood. Well he's had AP tests last week, so I guess he's got some excuse, but he's seemed a bit distant.

Like one of my biggest pet peeves ever in any sort of relationship is having to make all the effort. Lately I've been feeling like I've been doing just that with Isaac. Anyway, by the weekend I just stopped texting him  entirely, waiting for him to come to me. I broke first. So we're talking again, but it feels different, it doesn't feel like the beginning when the feeling of excitment seemed mutual and we both seemed into each other. I feel like he's made a bigger impression on me, than I have on him.

I dunno. I want to say it's just life getting in the way. As soon as I decide to go away for school and get everything finalized, I meet someone who also happens to be going away. Life does dumb shit sometimes, it's not fair, but I'll get over it, and him.

However this morning, and I wasn't going to put this here, but it's what I was thinking so I'm going to anyway, I was thinking.

I am a mildly attractive, awkward, neurotic, and insecure person with enough confidence to carry a conversation on small talk, but who falls apart when it comes to the simplest intimacy like holding hands, who is mediocre in nearly every sense except that I have a taste in people that is not mediocre, which makes me think why they would bother with me.

Told you I shouldn't have put that. Oh well.

Pity party time.

Whoo.

I'm the only one invited, so don't bother showing up.


In other news, I am now done with this semester,


Matt