Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Why?

Why am I such an idiot?

You'd think I like making myself depressed...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I hate this

So, yesterday didn't turn out as shitty as I thought it would have.

I ended up going downtown walk around for a while. Ran into a friend working. Then I ran into another friend who I ended up spending the rest of the afternoon and getting dinner with. Then I saw Prince of Persia with another group of friends. Didn't end up going on that campout, thank god, and I stayed the night at a friend's apartment.

Despite all this, I now feel depressed again. Fuckin hell, I hate this. I'm as much to blame as any though. I keep talking to the son of a bitch even though it kills me after every time I do. It seems like I initiate conversation, blather on about banalities and then feel like shit afterwards.

Ugh. I'm so done with this.

I was in such a good mood earlier, then I had to talk to him on facebook. Why? God knows, maybe I'm hoping he'll ask if I'm ok, or how I'm feeling. And when I tell him not so great, but don't worry about it, that he'll say, no what is it? It's never going to happen though.

It's like I'm bottling all this up inside, the bitterness the heart-break, the love. It's not like I'm not trying to release it elsewhere, god knows my friend's are all probably sick of hearing me whine about him, or if they aren't, I'm afraid I'm going to start to bother them. The release would be to tell him all about what i'm feeling, but there is really no point. It's not like anything is going to change, I doubt it would make me feel better.

Fuck.


Whatever.


Also, because I have no motivation to respond to tman's comment on my last post with a comment on that post, i'm putting it here.

I don't think it's about going to God. If you know Tom Wait's other material, he has a very skeptical vision of religion and god in general (see the song God's Away on Business). Considering the line in the song, "Come off of the cross, we could use the wood," indicates to me that we should stop martyring people and do some real effective good in the world that crosses won't fix. I still haven't an idea what the house is, but I'm willing to bet, it's not God's house.


Anyway, sorry for the bitch fit,


Matt

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Come On Up to the House

So warning: right now I'm feeling pretty blegh... I'm fairly miserable. Why does getting over someone have to take so long?

I suppose I'll explain (that is why I blog I guess). I randomly decided to text Isaac on thursday (because he can never be bothered to text me first), well that was probably a mistake. I've been feeling depressed ever since really. It's just small talk and all that, but still, it hurts.

Time has gone by so fast, yet it feels like it was ages ago since I first met him and we hit it off.

In the time since I've realized things weren't going to work out, I've been moody, depressed, bitter, angry, worn down, and when I'm happy, it's fleeting and overshadowed with the thought that it won't last.

Yesterday was particularly crappy for the most part. I know it's going to be a bad day when I wake up feeling bad. Usually I can sleep a bad night off, but when it lingers into the next day like a bad uninvited party guest, you resign yourself once again to the knowledge that the fun times are over. I lost my badge at work yesterday, which isn't really that big of a deal, a minor inconvenience (I have a new one now), but on top of feeling bad, and finding out that my Academic Adviser has been gone for weeks and isn't going to be back until the week following next, and that I can sign up for classes in Washington on Monday and that I really can't do that until I get my plan for the year signed off by him, puts me close to the edge. Basically I lost all joy at work (not that there's much to begin with... haha). I did get an "awesome job!" for cleaning and organizing the copy room and had a brief field-trip taking the box-truck to get an oil change, so that cheered me up a bit. Later my friend Chase texted me seeing if I wanted to do something, I did.

We went up one of the canyons here and took a night hike up the road past where it closes for the winter. We must have walked for 3-4 miles up the road before turning back. It was the perfect temperature and such a lovely night. When we got back we had Del Taco and I stuffed myself silly before turning him away and turning in for the night.

Well, I get on facebook like I usually do, and my friend Sam asks me if I'm going on the Big Gay Camp Out, which is where a bunch of us queers go up to some property and I assume get drunk and screw and have fun and go home in the morning. Well I asked who all was going, basically rooting out if Isaac is going, he is.

I'm still not sure if I want to go, I've said that I would like to but still... I have things to say to Isaac that I know will ruin my night and his as well, if reality met my imagination. See, I have a bad habit of imagining full scenarios in my head, full of drama and intrigue and with endings that fit my vision of how the world should work. Reality never lives up.

I know that if I go, I will be disappointed and miserable.

I also know that if I don't go, I will be disappointed and miserable as well.

We'll see what happens.


I know rarely do people listen to the songs I post and even more rare would they ever analyze the lyrics given that they were provided, but I'd like to keep a record of this song and why I keep listening to it over and over again as I write this post.


The best verse:

There's nothing in the world 
That you can do
You gotta come on up to the house
And you've been whipped by the forces
that are inside you,
You gotta come on up to the house

Well you're high on top
of your mountain of woe
gotta come on up to the house
oh you know you should surrender
but you can't let go,
you gotta come on up to the house.

Come on up to the house
come on up to the house
This world is not my home
I'm just passing through
gotta come on up to the house.


Where the house is, and what it means, I haven't a clue yet,


Matt

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Questions Answered! /slash/ Formspring

Mmmm.... Cherry Garcia ice cream... my favorite :D

Also I'm quite pooped from my hike tonight. It was lovely though, went with two friends, very nice evening.

Ok, now to answer some questions!

 In the order recieved:

1. How tall are you?

5' 11'' (180 cm)

2. What do you look for in a guy physically?

In a word: Adorable. I want someone as cute as a button. I like such a wide range of specific traits, but it all boils down to if I can look at you and at some point think, "awwwww soooo adorable!"

3. What do you look for in a guy non-physically?

I want someone who will give me as much as I put into a relationship. So someone who is assertive enough to make some effort themselves. Otherwise, lovely personalities. I dunno, if we click, we click.

4. What country do you most want to visit?

Mmm... tough one. I've been so many places already. I think I would love to go to New Zealand though, I think I would fall in love with the terrain there.

5. What is your favorite T.V. show?

Well, Boston Legal jumps to mind first. However, I also like Arrested Development and Glee. I've started getting into Strangers with Candy as well. As for classic shows,* M*A*S*H* is great, Three's Company I used to watch all the time as well. OH and I loved Courage the Cowardly Dog.

6.  How would you describe yourself in a couple of words?

I only need one: queer.

7. Boxers or Briefs?

Boxerbriefs

8. Who would I turn straight for?

No one, I would be in a lesbian relationship with many women I know though.

9.You are offered the opportunity of a lifetime, but, to take it, you must change your name and move away from home and friends that you will not be able to see or talk to for 5 years... The money($1,000,000) will be paid, only if you live up to the letter of the contract. Would you take it??

Sure. New people, new places. $1,000,000 is irrelevant, to be able to have a chance to do that at all would be fascinating and exciting, money or no.

10. Same as above, only, instead of a job, your contract would require you to become a member of a devout religious organization... would you do that?

Possibly as an experiment to see if I could gain faith in something. I doubt it would work though.

11. If you were to die today, what would be left unfulfilled!



Oh god, sooo much! There's a lot of living I have left to do.


12. How big are you?


I'll assume that I know what you are referring to. ~6.5 inches


13. Are you a virgin?


No


14. Spit or swallow?


Haven't really had to confront that issue yet. So either/or at this point.


15. Can we have a picture?


Perhaps in the future. We'll see.


16. Talk about the lesbian thing! 


Ok well... Ignoring that this isn't a question... (Andrew... haha). Here's why I consider myself a lesbian. First of all, I'm attracted to lesbian women, soft butches to be exact, sooo cute. Second, if I were to enter into a relationship with a women, I don't think I would go into it thinking it would be like a "normal straight relationship." I don't think I would necessarily see myself in the masculine position in a relationship, and I think it would feel more like a lesbian one. So yeah. That's why I'd consider myself both gay and a lesbian, not necessarily bisexual. Basically: queer.


17. What is your favorite recreational reading?


Kurt Vonnegut and Stephen King.


18. Do you like Sci-fi? Fantasy?


Sci-fi... well if it's like Ray Bradbury, then sure! As for fantasy... well, if it's like J.R.R. Tolkien, then sure!


19. What is your favorite of classical literature?


Favorites are always hard... I'm really having a bit of trouble with this one, so we'll just say The Great Gatsby for now and move on to the next question.


20. Who is your favorite author?


Again with favorites... Kurt Vonnegut though.


Wow, 20 questions. Not bad!


Remember you can ask me whatever you like, anytime. Shoot me an email! Although, please use rhythymchanges@gmail.com instead of mr_matt_iiv@hotmail.com, as I am going to close the latter account as it has been sending out spam lately... I'll get a new msn and everything and let you know when that happens!


Hope you enjoy my answers. And feel free to ask anything anytime.




Matt


 Ok y'all. I crumbled and got a formspring, which i realize are sooo last month, but ask questions there at your leisure. The addy is http://www.formspring.me/rhythymchanges


Cool cool

Friday, June 11, 2010

OMG!!



Harold and Maude!!!

My new favorite movie!

Oh my god! I loved it!!!

Question answers soon, ask more if you'd like.


That is all,


Matt

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Three makes a trend!

So the trend of questions is going around again.

I know you're all burned out. I'm asking for questions anyway.

Give me all you got. Ask me about my philosophy, isaac, pride, my sexuality (lesbianism and all) anything you wanted to know, just ask!


Also, here are a few pictures of some awesome stuff I got at Pride!


I got a henna tattoo of a "Q" as a double meaning (come to find out I should have added a superscript "2" to make it Q^2 but oh well) the first meaning is "Queer" and the second meaning only though who know me well would get.

The second picture of of a t-shirt I bought. It's probably revealing toooo much info, but whatevs, I love the shirt and want to share!

Anyway, ask questions, please?


Matt

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Big Recap

Right this minute I'm in such a good mood! I think it's the endorphins, I got back from a hike a little while ago, and now I'm listening to "Wedding Bell Blues" by the Fifth Dimension (on vinyl of course).

Wow.

Pride.


What a weekend.

What an experience.

I'm way bummed out that it's over.

Friday, partied it up. Not pride related, a friend from work was leaving town for the summer for a job so she was throwing a party. I only knew her at the party. Despite this, it was one of the most fun times I've ever had at a party before. I made two new best friends, Haley and Jamie. We bonded and had soo much fun. I helped one of them hook up with a really cute guy. Damn, I'm too nice...

The next day I woke up, took my parking ticket with a straight face and went home to shower and get ready to go out and decorate a float for Pride. Had fun, went to the festival after that. Bought me a new bracelet and got a few other ones for free. Got a henna tattoo as well. It's a "Q". Did some more stuff, it was a good time in general though.

The next day I got up and went downtown to be in the parade. Saw Isaac, there was a bit of that drama this weekend, kinda put a damper on a lot of Sunday. I ended up tabling most of the day for the Resource Center, which I didn't mind. It was waaay too hot this weekend anyway and I didn't feel like moving much. After the festival went to some friends' apartment for a get together before they all went off to the clubs. Had a bit to drink, by the time everyone left, I didn't feel safe to drive, so I kicked it there alone for a while. It's a good thing I love their apartment and it was a nice night for the four block walk I had to get to my car. Earlier that evening there was a rainbow in the sky, followed by a bit of thunder and lighting, really cool stuff to end Pride weekend.

Yesterday it was back to work (some interesting things happening there, but that's a post for another time). That evening though, I went to dinner for my friend Sam's birthday, it was also for Isaac. As it happened I sat next to Isaac. It was a bit uncomfortable for me, but I got through it pretty well... if pretending to be a lot more tired than I really was to mask feeling uncomfortable is getting through it pretty well... Well after dinner I went for coffee with my friend Cameron whom I had not seen in a long time. We ended up being there from like 9:30 to midnight. Oy vey. It was a really good talk though. Basically it was me telling him all about Isaac and everything.

We came to some interesting conclusions.

I'm very emotionally detached. This affect my friendships as they are all quite shallow when you really look at them. I don't really have any really really close friends. This is because I don't make emotional connections with friends.

Losing Isaac has been very difficult because he is one of the few people I've made an emotional connection with in a very long time. When that connection was severed, I was/am heartbroken.

I have a habit of analyzing my emotions as a way of staving off pain. This keeps me from sharing them with others.

There's more but I'm not going into it right now. This post is too monstrous to begin with.

Suffice to say, coffee last night was certainly an interesting experience.


Well, goodnight folks.


Matt

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Oh yeah...

It's Pride this weekend. I forgotted... I've never been, this'll be fun.


I really don't have the time to write that post I was talking about, but it's still rattling around in the ol' cerebrum.

I just got back from an evening hike, missed the sunset and it started to get dark on me... whoops.

I still think about Isaac too much, but it's less than before.


You know what they say, "Only Love can break a Heart."



Matt

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Coming Attractions

I've got at least one post I've been rattling around my brain, I'm kinda too tired for it tonight, but it'll get done soon.

Also, I want to take the time to reply to all the comments i've been getting recently. I really appreciate them, and I've been a total jerk leaving them unacknowledged. So if you've commented recently, check back soon and I should have replied to some/all of them!

Also, I've apparently hit 200 posts. I don't know what to do for it... If I got a formspring would anyone ask questions? Or if you have other ideas they are much appreciated.

Anyway,



Matt