I've Got Rythym and It ain't always music.

I'm still Alive

2011-05-01T18:24:00.001-06:00

If anyone is interested. Not sure what the fate of this blog will be though...

میٹ Matt

Some Christmas Tune-age.

2010-12-23T23:00:00.002-07:00

Well I'm Home

2010-12-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

Well it's funny, for all the homesickness, the separation from friends and family, the yearning for familiarity, now that I'm back home I can't wait to be back in Seattle. I miss my friend's there, and I hate to say it, I'm ready to move on from quite a few friends here. I haven't seen some of my really good friends yet though, so that may be part of the problem.

Today I saw the Black Swan, and even though it was at times a bit over the top, in all I thought it an excellent film. After that I went to a jazz concert, it was the Christmas finale to the series. I'm bummed I missed all the shows but this one but it was still fun to be there. I didn't have anyone to go with, but that's typical so it wasn't too bad.

I've started to get that lonely feeling a bit more lately, especially now that Isaac is back in town. I guess I still have feelings for him, but I suppose that is to be expected.

I thought I'd really enjoy being home, but I'm realizing it's time to move on. We'll see how things go this week. I guess I've just got a touch of the blues tonight. Tom Waits doesn't really help, but I'm listening to it anyway.

I'm not sure what I want from life right now. I'll figure it out I guess.

Anyway,

Matt

Less than a week!

2010-12-11T00:22:00.000-07:00

Not that I'm on any regular schedule (or that anyone cares) but I'll probably be too busy to post until later this week. Finals and all that you know.

I'm only slightly scared for one at this point and that's because it's on Monday and I don't feel prepared yet. However, if I keep my nose to the grind and all that, I should be fine. Then study study study for my final two finals on Wednesday.

After that? I'm going home baby!

I'm excited to go home, and a little sad to be leaving Seattle. I mostly don't want to leave my friends here, but I know I won't be gone long, just two weeks. I'll be saying the same thing come when I come back.

Speaking of being home, guess who else is coming home? That's right, Isaac.

I should have guessed that I'd still be thinking about him, it takes me a while to get over someone once I've fallen (which takes a while to do in the first place). Well, I am alright to be around him now, but still... I have a friend who keeps asking who I want to make out with on New Years. Well, of course it would be Isaac. I don't know that it would be a good idea though. I can see myself getting my hopes up: imagining myself seeing him a few times when I get back, falling in love again just like it was in the beginning, then New Years, we kiss and seal the deal, we decide to give the long distance relationship a shot, it works, we get together on breaks whenever we can, when I finish school, we move to England, he joins the royal ballet or whatever and I get a good job, then the future.

Silly school boy fantasy of course. I can't let myself think like that, it'll only lead to unnecessary heart break. I do have someone that would be willing to be my New Years kiss, we nearly had a moment before I left, but it never happened. The only problem is, I have an on and off again attraction to him (him being Nick from forever ago, he was actually my first date with a guy before (well it hardly was a date but whatevs)). Right now, it's not really on. I'm still too caught up in Isaac to be thinking about Nick. I know I wouldn't be into Nick long term anyway, it's not that kind of connection.

Ah... I dunno. It'll be interesting going home.

As always I leave with an appeal to comments. To quote another great blogger " it really doesnt help me want to write anything when i think people dont read it. if theres one thing a blog needs to remain healthy, its comments."

Anyway, thank you you regular commenters you, you're all lovely.

I should get some sleep, getting up early to do a last round of Christmas shopping.

Goodnight all,

Matt.

Ahh... Much Better.

2010-12-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

And from the bottom of the trough I made my slow dull trudge out and I'm on the top looking down again.

Depression gone and over with (for the most part). Took a good long walk on Saturday, just what I needed, cleared my mind and became at peace with life again.

I much prefer being like this methinks. We shall see how long I can ride this yah?

It was getting pretty bad there, to the point of someone actually noticing and asking if I was OK. I am happy to say I am now.

None of the root causes of the depression have been solved, but I'm dealing with it better for now.

Anyway, not much else to report on. I've turned in everything for this quarter and now it's just revision for finals.

OOO! I'm going home next week! I'm actually really excited about that!

Anyway,

Matt

My Ideal Partner

2010-12-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

Eh, I've been in a funk folks. It's lasted for a little over a week now, but I'm on the better end of it now I think. Not out of it completely, but I'm fighting it now.

Mostly it's just stemming from loneliness. I sometimes think I'll never find someone, or at least I will have squandered my youth away and will be completely incompetent in love when I get older.

It's not like no one finds me attractive or a "good catch" as it were. There are a few guys who have expressed a serious interest in me. Unfortunately the feelings aren't necessarily reciprocated. These guys are typically older than me, while not ugly by any stretch of the imagination, are not particularly attractive to me, and are often good friends.

What am I looking for? Well, first and foremost - and I don't mean to be shallow here - I want someone who I am genuinely attracted to. That is someone I don't have to convince myself that I like the way they look, they just need to be adorable. Next, I need someone with a strong personality, someone who can be strong for me when I'm weak. I need someone who isn't quiet, who is dynamic, not passive, and who is full of life, not held back by it. They can't be a douche though. Finally, I want someone who wants me just as much. At this point, I want to be swept up, I want to be found, I want to be loved.

It's a fairly tall order, I realize this. Some days I keep the faith, others I look down the barrel of a pipe-dream aimed at my heart.

Oh well. I'll be fine once I go home. Being in an unfamiliar place for so long has actually been hard on me. Even with the wonderful people I know here, they aren't as familiar as those back home. It's amazing how much history matters.

Well, I guess that's enough rambling for today.

Just a reminder, I have switched my MSN account. rhythymchanges@hotmail.com is now the way to reach my via messenger. As always I have skype at matt-miester. Please add me if you would ever like to talk. Sometimes I'm not very fun to talk to when I'm particularly mood, I know that, but it actually helps to talk to people.

Anyway, see yah all,

Matt

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

2010-11-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

Howdy howdy,

Happy Thanksgiving (a day late)!

Though I didn't actually make it home to celebrate with family in Utah, I did have a wonderful thanksgiving here in Washington all the same. One turkey cooked to perfection (and defrosted in under 24 hours in an impressive battle of wills), roasties (roasted potatoes, delicious!), succotash, pies, gravy, wine, cider, wonderful! I was the token American at this feast, with a German (from Portugal originally), three Brits, an Australian, and a Korean. All in all, a fantastic meal with fantastic people.

Other than that... What else have I been up to...

Well it snowed in Seattle, like an actually impressive snowstorm. This city can't deal with snow though, let me tell you. I was driving to the airport with my friend Holly to pick up her friend. Well, we never made it to the airport. In fact it took up 8 hours to get home from a drive that should take an hour to and hour and a half in somewhat heavy traffic. We ended up sitting for about 5 hours in a jam to last a lifetime. It was pretty pathetic.

I have been fairly depressed lately though, not today or yesterday for the most part but this past week hasn't been that great. It's more a generalized depression, up and downs and such. I've been lonely and wanting a relationship and that coupled on not being able to go home for the holidays and having snow and everything just wasn't a good combination.

Whelp, I should get started on some homework now, the house is pretty empty these days which is nice, come Sunday when everyone gets back from whence they went it'll liven up around here.

Thanks to Steve for being the sole commenter on my last post.

Matt

Unforgetable

2010-11-21T02:14:00.000-07:00

Is it a sign of wasted youth to look back on one's adolescent life with fond memories towards points in one's life where you pine away for someone in an unrequited fashion? When all of your romantic memories remain one-sided and ultimately unfulfilling, and yet remembering the moments of how that love consumed your thoughts and attention bring such joy.

Once again, I am profoundly lonely.

Sure I have friends without whom I would be completely hopeless, and yet I have no one to call my own, to mess with my hair, to love me in return. I know in the back of my mind that one day my ship will come in, but even further live fears that it may not.

Today I went for a walk to the library to do some printing. I was not met by a love for the ages, nor by someone to take away the cold. I remained as I have traditionally been, alone.

Just some thoughts on my mind tonight,

Matt

Attention!!

2010-11-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

My messenger has changed from ~~mr_matt_iiv@hotmail~~ to rhythymchanges@hotmail.com Please update you're addressbooks and add me there if you want to talk to me.

Thanks all,

Matt

Forks Explained

2010-11-10T00:43:00.000-07:00

So to those who are confused about Forks, let me explain.

Forks is a small town on the Washington Peninsula made famous by Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight book series. It's nothing really special, but it was fun just for the cheese factor of it all.

Otherwise, I'm too tired to do any proper blogging tonight, so I'll just give you some pictures from my trip.

Matt

Holy Saint Jesus This is Big!

2010-11-06T10:53:00.002-06:00

I'm going to Forks! :P

Matt

PRO-Crastinator!

2010-11-04T22:36:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah, I remember why I blog...

To get out of doing actual work!

I'm actually pretty caught up on homework, just need to do some reading for American History, I have a quiz section tomorrow, which is basically a discussion group that happens once a week. I also have to study for my Urdu class.

Oh yeah, I'm learning Urdu. It's a language spoken in Pakistan and northern India, spoken like Hindi and written like Arabic. I actually love it so far. It's tough but really cool.

My other class (I LOVE having only three classes, quarter system ftw!) is a course in 20th Century Russian history which has been really interesting so far but sooo much reading (I read a book in two days this week). I'm at the point where I'm hopelessly behind and have no chance of reading everything, which is fine, I don't really need to, just what is necessary for discussions in class.

School in general is busy busy busy, but pretty good.

My housing situation in Seattle is amazing though! I'm in a 'residence hall' but I use the term loosely as it is university housing but it's an actual house just across the street from campus. It's on Greek Row and it used to be a frat house, but now it's been converted into a dorm by the uni. I did get stuck with the tiniest room in the house, but my room mate is pretty cool, he's an exchange student from Japan. I love most of my housemates though! My favorite three are Laura who lives across the hall, Holly, who is from England and has the most adorable girlfriend that she's left there, and Alanna, who is Australian, a radical feminist, and just an amazing person overall. There are some other wonderful people as well, the Caitlin's, Cherry, James and Tyson. Then there's the Natalia and David, both of whom I do not like at all. David is crude, lewd, and a general wanker. Natalia is ditzy, messy, and not a particularly pleasant individual.

Anyway, that's enough catching up of background information.

Love life (what you all really want to know about)? Nonexistent. I haven't been on a single date while I've been here. Sad I know. Part of the problem is that I don't know where to meet people, and I haven't really established any friendships in the community that could lead to any setups. I've thought about Isaac a good deal while I've been here, I'm still not all the way over him, but it's well manageable by now. There is an absolutely ADORABLE British boy that comes around the house every now and then as he's a friend of Holly and Alanna. His name is Conner and he's soo cute, but unfortunately as far as I can tell straight, which confuses my gaydar just a bit as he's quiet and reserved and gives off just a slight vibe, but I well convinced it's nothing.

Anyway, this has been a proper update into my life.

Fuck whatever I said in my last post, I'm doing this for me again.

*RANT TIME DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR MY WHINING*

I do have to say it pisses me off a little that Dan get's ten comments after his post and I get two. Granted my last post was a bit highbrow, but it's something that I genuinely love to talk about and want to hear others thoughts on it. It's at times like this when I wonder who's reading, I know I'm not that popular but christ, I want that active support base that everyone else seems to have.

*RANT OVER*

Ok, you're all probably better off not reading my rant, but you know the story, my blog, my thoughts etc etc.

I think at this point this post has gone on for far too long.

So long!

Matt

What Queer Means to Me

2010-11-03T16:15:00.000-06:00

So here's a comment I posted in response to this post here.

"Queer" as I most often use it, is an umbrella term for anything that could be considered different from the "norm," especially with regards to sexuality and gender expression. It is a reclaimed word, yet it is more than that. It is another way to identify along with homosexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, etc etc. I for one do not like the term homosexual, I think it's almost offensive, or at the very least sterile, medical, and very limiting. I don't like bisexual for the very same reason.

I choose to identify as "queer" precisely because I don't want to be associated with a label. Without going into the specifics (for it's far too complicated and confusing and I have only a cursory knowledge of it) Queer theory developed as a response to LGBT Studies, which worked to say that LGBT identified individuals were just like the rest of "normal" society. Queer theory proposes the opposite, everyone is a bit "queer." Queer theory works to show that everyone is a bit different and in those differences we can see our shared humanity, we're all just as different from the "norm" (and who knows what that really is) as anyone else. For me, being queer means that I can love who I want regardless of their gender expression and orientation and they can love me and it's ok. If they person happens to be a girl, cool, a guy, a-ok, someone outside the gender norm (i.e. gender-queer) awesome.

All this being said, I understand how the word still has a lot of hurt and anger buried within it. I wouldn't go around calling everyone queer, and wouldn't want someone to call me that without knowing who I am.

I choose to be "queer" no one else. Likewise, no one can tell me I'm not queer, for that is taking my identity out of my hands.

Perhaps once we realize that we are all unique in our shared humanity, these artificial dichotomies in society will melt away, that's getting a bit ahead of things, but I can dream eh?

Anyway, that's my counter-rant.

Interestingly enough though, after coming to Seattle, I feel much more "gay" than queer. I think it comes from being put in an environment where I'm not surrounded by the community I'm used to. I feel like most people wouldn't have a clue what I mean by queer, and so it's almost easier to just say gay. Actually, sometimes it's like that at home come to think of it, and I've heard other friends say the same thing.

Anyhow, here's another post for y'all.

Please let me know what you think. It's hard to motivate oneself to post when it feels like you're talking to a blank wall (which isn't entirely true as there are some folks who do comment (thank you!)). At this point I'm not blogging for my sake. I don't NEED to be here.

That being said, I do WANT to stay, but I'd also like to know what YOU all want to hear. Posting will be erratic, understand that I am a very busy college student, and getting the energy to write is hard.

Anywho,

Matt

Hmm...

2010-11-01T22:14:00.000-06:00

Hi there all,

I guess I should write something here.

So where have I been?

Busy with school, life, existence.

I don't know what else to really write about. Lately I haven't been terribly motivated to blog.

Overall life is good.

Not sure when I'll get back into the swing of things, but we'll see.

Anyway, until next time,

Matt

Five on the Fifth (Round)

2010-10-05T00:00:00.001-06:00

Here's my submission for 5 on the Fifth for the month of October.

The theme is round.

Enjoy!

Matt

P.S. Sorry for not posting lately, I've been busy with the start of school and all.

Last Night In Salt Lake

2010-09-18T22:00:00.000-06:00

Eeek!

Oh well, Liza, take it away!

Matt

Story of my Life.

2010-09-17T17:30:00.001-06:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9

Picture Time!

2010-09-13T00:06:00.000-06:00

So... I'm thinking of starting a second blog just for my photography. Thoughts?

Anyway, here are pictures from a drive I took today.

Enjoy!

The top of Guardsman Pass

Property Laws still mystify me...

My trusty steed.

The ubiquitous road shot.

What ho! A photographer in the wild!

Lining up like school children.

The worm's eye view.

A Meadow in Fall

Portraiture in Rust

Freedom

Freedom Pt. 2

Take care all,

Matt

Mobile Blogging!

2010-09-10T14:59:00.001-06:00

Well I figured out Blogger for my phone. you would think this means more posts. You might be right but don't count on it :P

So I got my car back from the shop today. The first thing I wanted to do was take it on a long drive. Time constraints now prevent me from doing this but I will be doing such a thing as soon as possible.

Tonight is the last night of my job. Thank god. I wash my hands of it. I may go out to the club tonight if all the stars line up properly. If I do go, I'm going to dress super cute cause last time I went I was only so so.

I'm entering my last week of living in Utah for a while. I'm not creaking out over leaving so much as I'm breaking out over not being able to do everything I want to before I go. My social calendar has quickly filled up and I still haven't scheduled some very important people. Oh well.

Last thing on my bus blog agenda, I won second place! In a list of one particular Bloggers top ten I came in second. totally tubular! Thank you Peter you're pretty cool. (link when I get home later/eventually).

Well that's all, don't want to miss my stop! In case I didn't make it clear, which I didn't, I've been Blogging from my phone on the bus. Neato torpedo!

See yah folks,

Matt

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.8

My 5 on the Fifth Contribution - Sept - "The Blues"

2010-09-05T01:23:00.000-06:00

The One Time I Went to That One Place.

2010-09-04T16:21:00.000-06:00

So yeah.

I had my first little panic attack about leaving Salt Lake yesterday. I'm over it now, but making travel plans to get to Seattle certainly made things more real for me. It's coming.

I went to a club last night (something I've only done once before), it was a pretty good time actually. Next week I'll be going with a wingman though, so maybe I'll be getting some action (haha yeah right).

Anyway. I thought I had more to post about, but I guess I don't.

Matt

3 More Weeks

2010-08-31T15:23:00.000-06:00

Well folks, as of today I have 3 more weeks in good 'ol SLC.

And it can't come sooner. Good god.

I need to get out of here before I start seriously crushing on any new boys.

I went clothing shopping today. ... well I went and looked at clothes anyway. I like to shop for clothes, but buying is another thing entirely. I like to feel fabrics and see the colors and patterns. I wish I could just commit to buy something ever though. Unless I have something specifically in mind that I want to buy, I find it hard to get so obsessed over something that I have to have it. Today I was close, there was this really cute two-toned gray striped cardigan with a blue stripe at the bottom. I'm actually half temped to go back and buy it, but I'm going to hold off... Damn now it's bugging me... oh well.

Yeah. So I started talking to a guy from thegyc.com and we've really been hitting it off. He's in Washington and is really cute. Only problem, his profile said he's 20 (perfect!) but in reality he's only 16 and said he was 20 cause he likes older guys (oh great...). It's not the most unheard of thing, and it would be within the bounds of the law, but still... He's nice though, and I don't want to be a jerk and ageist and be like no, you're too young. However, I don't know that I want to get seriously involved with someone who's that young. Well I'll figure something out I guess...

Umm... so what else... I went kayaking Sunday, burned the hell outta my shoulders. Still hurts. I took some pictures. Here are some of the best:

If you couldn't tell, I like road shots

I also enjoy making portraits of flowers

Passed a pretty cool Railroad bridge driving home

Did I mention I like abstracts?

Well, that's all the news that fit for blogging I suppose

Matt

Don't Think Twice (It's Alright).

2010-08-25T09:41:00.000-06:00

So I've been listening to Bob Dylan a lot lately, particularly the Blood on the Tracks album (sooo good!) but this song off Freewheelin' is amazing as well.

So that audio file might not work... if not here's a youtube clip. (any help out there getting it to work if it doesn't?)

(So the youtube is Nick Drake)

My favorite verse:

So long, honey babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
Goodbye is too good a word, gal

So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

It just speaks to where I am in life (especially with some certain people).

Anywho, not much to post about.

Here are some pictures:

Mah Kitteh Kim

Hope you enjoy.

Matt

All You Need Is Love

2010-08-22T11:36:00.000-06:00

I'm taking a break from washing a mountain of dishes to write this post. There is a less mountainous but no less monstrous pile of laundry I'm waiting to finish as well.

Today is chore Sunday.

Well... this isn't a chore, this is my break and solace on such a day.

I suppose I ought to state the obvious, I am home now. The camp was amazing. Simply put, one of the best experiences of my life. When Friday rolled around, I was not ready for it.

It was intense though. I won't go into too much details about the camp to protect confidentiality and guard the processes involved, however I will say that when you take 50 people, strip them to their humanity; leave them bare, vulnerable and emotionally on display; have them live and work together; you come up with an incredibly close knit community in just 5 days.

It's amazing how close I grew to some people in just 5 days. I learned a lot about the world, about the "-isms", about people, and most importantly about myself.

For those who are interested (oh who am I kidding this is going to be all of you), there was one cute boy who caught my attention in particular. Cute? More like absolutely adorable. However, he has a boyfriend already which is fine as I shouldn't be getting involved with anyone before I leave.

Speaking of anyone, I think Isaac is back in town. I think that I am over him, but if I see him (which I hope I do) before he and I leave, I will know for sure. I hate not being in love, but I love have the possibility to fall again.

Yesterday I baked with my friend Ashley; we made peanut butter and jelly cookies. They were really rich, but very good. Then I had a dinner party with some friends from high school. My friend Brent and I made Corn Chowder with biscuits and a salad. It was all very delicious. There were a ton of dishes left over though... Oh well.

My summer is coming to an end. School starts for everyone tomorrow. I have until September. However, my job ends this Friday. I think I'm going to quit the other one and just prepare myself for Washington.

I'm excited. I'm ready. I'm scared.

Matt

Oh yeah...

2010-08-15T23:19:00.000-06:00

I guess I should let y'all know...

I'm leaving for a week starting tomorrow morning. I'll be back Friday.

I'm going to this social justice/human relations camp/conference/summit.

It should be a good, intense, time.

I shant have internet, or my phone.

I don't know how y'alls will survive.

Matt

More Photos

2010-08-12T23:32:00.000-06:00

These are just some randoms from around my room.

A cool cup a friend got me from Japan

It's on my record player

The box hold my records

My room is messsssy

The old film camera

Part of my extensive hat collection

My typical view :)

Anyway, as usual, tell me what you think :D

Matt

My mini Vacation

2010-08-09T23:10:00.000-06:00

So this past weekend I took off from Salt Lake to visit my friend Katie and her boyfriend James up in Logan which is about 80 miles north of SLC.

It was a good trip. I got there Friday night and just crashed at their place. Saturday James had work, so Katie showed me around downtown Logan, some very nice houses (for cheap too!) which will be included in the photos below.

Saturday night we went to Katie's family cabin up at Bear Lake. I do have to say, mojitos are my new favorite. Had too much, but had a ton of fun, like waaay too much fun. I suffered the consequences when I woke up, that's for sure. I've learned some new limits.

Sunday was a recovery day. We woke up and puttered around until about noon when we went back to Logan, got some lunch and I took off for home. I took Highway 89 all the way back which was wonderful as I love Highway 89. Got home and I've just been getting back into the groove of work.

I'm getting laid-off from my maintenance work job on the 27th of August, so I'm gonna have a bit more free time after that. Whoot.

Anyway, here are pictures.

Lots of Kitty Pictures so here they all are.

By the way, meet Margo, James and Katie's Kitteh.

This is the Great Harvest in Logan

Frederick, the wire bee.

This is the first of the house pictures

Some yard art

A restaurant I never ate at

Sculptures at Utah State

Buildings at Utah State

Library above, Family Life Building below.

Concrete Redemption

As usual, please tell me what you like (and what you don't!)

I will probably go respond to the comments on my previous post after I post this, so look for a respond if you commented!

That's all for now folks,

Matt

New Photos

2010-08-06T16:59:00.000-06:00

So I finally bought my camera.

I'm soo happy with it. :D

Here are some of the best shots from the past few days.

Hope you enjoy!

Please comment and tell me what you like (and what you don't!!)

Matt

Oh yeah... it was my birthday.

2010-08-01T16:58:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I turned 20 years old.

Goodbye twelve, goodbye thirteen, hello life.

Honestly, this birthday has been so incredibly anti-climatic, I hardly realize that I have to say 20 instead of 19 anymore. Perhaps it's just denial.

Oh well.

In other news, I am addicted to the song "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" by Bob Dylan. I would give you the song, but youtube just has covers. Oh well.

If you know the song, I like to change one line from the song. Instead of "Crimson hair across your face" I change Crimson to "jet black." That's my tribute to Isaac, haha. Oh well.

Anyway, just a post to say things are going well, just busy with work and such. Summer is almost over. This saddens me... oh well.

Pictures!

2010-07-28T22:52:00.000-06:00

Well well well,

It's been a while since I posted any pictures up here.

Just got my film developed and $70 later, here are my favorite/best shots!

Matt

Random Thoughts

2010-07-24T08:46:00.000-06:00

"EVE WAS FRAMED"

I saw that on a bumper sticker and instantly fell in love. If it offends you, well... good.

I had another post written out, but I've decided to spare myself from more drama.

tman - you figured out the reference with the worm. Good for you! However, please trust me in knowing what is best for my life. I have never been one to self-medicate with alcohol, however I do enjoy drinking. Last night, I was having myself a nightcap. One drink. When I party, I'm the most responsible drunk there. I know my limit and I follow my own rules. Sometimes you just have to trust people. You don't know me so you really can't say for sure if my drinking is good or bad. (rant over)

I try to interact with my blog more often, but honestly, I'm way too busy to most of the time. I often don't feel like coming home after an 11 hour day and posting comments on comments. Hell if I have the motivation to do a post, that's pretty damn good. I do read though and think about what is said.

Oh blogging. What an odd thing you are.

What else...

Yeah, drama, no good. Cut it out will ya all! When positivity turns to negativity I tune out or get angry.

I can't wait to be able to have a camera again. Depending on how much my car is going to cost me, I think I'll just have two more paychecks to go before I can get me a brand new shiny Nikon d90 with an 18-55 mm VR and a 70-300 mm VR Nikkor Lenses. I would ideally love to get an ultra-wide angle Tonika 11-16 mm lens, but that'll be a purchase for another day I think... Unless I just get a camera body with a couple lenses. My dream team of lenses would include a portrait lens, an ultra-wide angle, a tele, and an all purpose.

So my dream team of lenses would be:

Tonika 11-16 mm - Ultra-wide - ~$600
Nikon 70-300 mm VR - Tele - ~$550 *
Nikon 18-200 mm VR - All purpose - ~$800 *
Some portrait lens - Any thoughts?

*The ranges on these overlap so I could easily just get one of them, probably the 18-200 mm as that seems to be a highly recommended lens, but if I get the camera in a kit, it'll come with an 18-55 mm which would cover the lower end of the range (which realistically would be most of what I need).

Oy I've done sooo much research on cameras and lenses that I just need to get out there with a camera and shoot! Wrargh!!

Ok I think that's it for random thoughts for the day.

Matt

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

2010-07-23T23:20:00.000-06:00

Well, I've traded in those Heartsick Blues for a more familiar feeling.

No longer in love, I'm really just lonely.

Story of my life.

Well, I guess I'll eat the worm and go to bed.

Umm yeah

2010-07-22T22:35:00.000-06:00

So life has been actually pretty good since last weekend. I've been feeling normal for the first time in a long time. So yay!!

Last weekend was a blast, suffice to say, awesome.

This weekend, kinda shitty so far, but that's because I'm sitting at home a lotta bored and a little lonely. Plus it's only thursday so who can complain?

Other than that...

Not much to report on.

These girls are awesome! I am loving this new collaboration!

Anyway, g'night all.

Matt

Crappy Day

2010-07-14T23:16:00.001-06:00

Oh man, what an absolutely shitty day.

Oh I guess I should finish up the Isaac saga. So after that letter I sent, he replied with a really nice letter in return, and then I sent another, and then we were good (or I was good with him) again. We were talking Sunday and then he had to go to bed and said he would text me the next day. Never did. Typical. I wasn't too upset though. I still get tugs at the heartstrings whenever I'm reminded of him, but they are getting less frequent and not so bad so yeah...

So yeah my today, started off alright, but at work my co-worker needs a serious attitude adjustment.

He just seemed pissed off at me all day and I couldn't figure out why. It was slightly consfusing and worrisome and obnoxious as well.

The other thing, I'm starting to feel like a third wheel at work. In my work group, there's my boss Rob, then there's Devin who I've known from scouts for years who actually got me the job originally, and then there's Gale who was hired as a full time janitor after I left the first time. Well, Gale and Devin have really hit it off, and they are really buddy buddy, and sometimes I just feel left out there. Not only that, but I'm not really interested in the things that the rest are. I'm very liberal, my boss, not so much so. Devin and Rob are really into guns. I'm not. Devin and Gale are into cars and stuff, I'm not. Basically, they are all very masculine men in one way or another, and I'm not. I dunno, I wish my work were a bit more independent at times so I could just go do my own thing in solitude.

So the other reason why my day sucked, calling at the theater sucked tonight.

Oh, have I told y'all I got a second job? Well if I didn't, here it is again. I'm working the phone campaign at the theater that I've worked at for the last 4 years or so. Basically selling season tickets to former patrons. It's an alright job and I enjoy it well enough. Tonight was hell though. First of all no one was home, and those that were home were just so negative. I didn't sell anything tonight and barely make any headway with anyone at all. It was just getting me down.

Oh well. I'm home now. I ate some rice and now I'm finishing off a package of dry oatmeal (apple cinnamon yum).

This weekend should be kickass though, stuff to do everyday.

Well, g'night,

Matt

p.s. Jim Croce is supplying the music for tonight. It hits the spot.

He's gone

2010-07-08T23:47:00.000-06:00

Or he will be tomorrow at 7:00 am.

I never did get to see him before he left.

I'm hurt and sad.

I probably shouldn't have written a letter to him in this state of mind, but I have anyway.

"Well I guess if we're being childish and avoiding face to face communication, I'll send this from facebook.

Truthfully, I'm actually quite hurt because of how you've left without even making a real effort to even say goodbye. I guess it doesn't really matter now, but I loved you, as much as I know I shouldn't. You broke my heart, and continue to do so, oblivious as you may be. I don't know that I should miss you, but I certainly know I will. I guess I wanted to tell you all this before, but I've never really had an opportunity, and really, I don't know what good it could have or will do saying these things now. I've probably been looking for some fictional validation of my feelings that I know I would never receive.

But whatever, I guess I'll get over it.

Have fun with whatever you do. I will not be making anymore efforts to sustain any contact, if you wish to do so, that's up to you."

I don't know what I hope to accomplish with this, but it's done and sent.

Maybe things will start to look up, maybe...

Matt

2 Years

2010-07-03T20:56:00.000-06:00

Well... I've been better and I've been worse since my last post. Absolutely insane weekend last weekend, ended up giving me Strep Throat. I'm on antibiotics now so I'll be getting better.

Today is the 3rd of July. Tomorrow is Independence Day here in America.

I will be celebrating (ha) another truly independent, Independence Day.

For those of you who don't know, about 4 hours from now, and 2 years ago, in the early morning of July 4, 2008, my first, and so far last, relationship ended.

I was dumped, "we should just be friends."

We are now, but it took over a year.

I have not had a relationship since and I've barely dated.

Isaac was the closest I've been. I wish someone would be dumping me tonight, at least it means I would have had someone to be dumped by.

Instead here I am, Independent.

I am a rock.

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.

Starting Monday I will be working my ass off for the rest of the summer.

Let freedom ring,

Matt

Why?

2010-06-22T00:04:00.000-06:00

Why am I such an idiot?

You'd think I like making myself depressed...

I hate this

2010-06-20T21:48:00.000-06:00

So, yesterday didn't turn out as shitty as I thought it would have.

I ended up going downtown walk around for a while. Ran into a friend working. Then I ran into another friend who I ended up spending the rest of the afternoon and getting dinner with. Then I saw Prince of Persia with another group of friends. Didn't end up going on that campout, thank god, and I stayed the night at a friend's apartment.

Despite all this, I now feel depressed again. Fuckin hell, I hate this. I'm as much to blame as any though. I keep talking to the son of a bitch even though it kills me after every time I do. It seems like I initiate conversation, blather on about banalities and then feel like shit afterwards.

Ugh. I'm so done with this.

I was in such a good mood earlier, then I had to talk to him on facebook. Why? God knows, maybe I'm hoping he'll ask if I'm ok, or how I'm feeling. And when I tell him not so great, but don't worry about it, that he'll say, no what is it? It's never going to happen though.

It's like I'm bottling all this up inside, the bitterness the heart-break, the love. It's not like I'm not trying to release it elsewhere, god knows my friend's are all probably sick of hearing me whine about him, or if they aren't, I'm afraid I'm going to start to bother them. The release would be to tell him all about what i'm feeling, but there is really no point. It's not like anything is going to change, I doubt it would make me feel better.

Fuck.

Whatever.

Also, because I have no motivation to respond to tman's comment on my last post with a comment on that post, i'm putting it here.

I don't think it's about going to God. If you know Tom Wait's other material, he has a very skeptical vision of religion and god in general (see the song God's Away on Business). Considering the line in the song, "Come off of the cross, we could use the wood," indicates to me that we should stop martyring people and do some real effective good in the world that crosses won't fix. I still haven't an idea what the house is, but I'm willing to bet, it's not God's house.

Anyway, sorry for the bitch fit,

Matt

Come On Up to the House

2010-06-19T09:42:00.000-06:00

So warning: right now I'm feeling pretty blegh... I'm fairly miserable. Why does getting over someone have to take so long?

I suppose I'll explain (that is why I blog I guess). I randomly decided to text Isaac on thursday (because he can never be bothered to text me first), well that was probably a mistake. I've been feeling depressed ever since really. It's just small talk and all that, but still, it hurts.

Time has gone by so fast, yet it feels like it was ages ago since I first met him and we hit it off.

In the time since I've realized things weren't going to work out, I've been moody, depressed, bitter, angry, worn down, and when I'm happy, it's fleeting and overshadowed with the thought that it won't last.

Yesterday was particularly crappy for the most part. I know it's going to be a bad day when I wake up feeling bad. Usually I can sleep a bad night off, but when it lingers into the next day like a bad uninvited party guest, you resign yourself once again to the knowledge that the fun times are over. I lost my badge at work yesterday, which isn't really that big of a deal, a minor inconvenience (I have a new one now), but on top of feeling bad, and finding out that my Academic Adviser has been gone for weeks and isn't going to be back until the week following next, and that I can sign up for classes in Washington on Monday and that I really can't do that until I get my plan for the year signed off by him, puts me close to the edge. Basically I lost all joy at work (not that there's much to begin with... haha). I did get an "awesome job!" for cleaning and organizing the copy room and had a brief field-trip taking the box-truck to get an oil change, so that cheered me up a bit. Later my friend Chase texted me seeing if I wanted to do something, I did.

We went up one of the canyons here and took a night hike up the road past where it closes for the winter. We must have walked for 3-4 miles up the road before turning back. It was the perfect temperature and such a lovely night. When we got back we had Del Taco and I stuffed myself silly before turning him away and turning in for the night.

Well, I get on facebook like I usually do, and my friend Sam asks me if I'm going on the Big Gay Camp Out, which is where a bunch of us queers go up to some property and I assume get drunk and screw and have fun and go home in the morning. Well I asked who all was going, basically rooting out if Isaac is going, he is.

I'm still not sure if I want to go, I've said that I would like to but still... I have things to say to Isaac that I know will ruin my night and his as well, if reality met my imagination. See, I have a bad habit of imagining full scenarios in my head, full of drama and intrigue and with endings that fit my vision of how the world should work. Reality never lives up.

I know that if I go, I will be disappointed and miserable.

I also know that if I don't go, I will be disappointed and miserable as well.

We'll see what happens.

I know rarely do people listen to the songs I post and even more rare would they ever analyze the lyrics given that they were provided, but I'd like to keep a record of this song and why I keep listening to it over and over again as I write this post.

The best verse:

There's nothing in the world

That you can do

You gotta come on up to the house

And you've been whipped by the forces

that are inside you,

You gotta come on up to the house

Well you're high on top

of your mountain of woe

gotta come on up to the house

oh you know you should surrender

but you can't let go,

you gotta come on up to the house.

Come on up to the house

come on up to the house

This world is not my home

I'm just passing through

gotta come on up to the house.

Where the house is, and what it means, I haven't a clue yet,

Matt

Questions Answered! /slash/ Formspring

2010-06-15T22:33:00.001-06:00

Mmmm.... Cherry Garcia ice cream... my favorite :D

Also I'm quite pooped from my hike tonight. It was lovely though, went with two friends, very nice evening.

Ok, now to answer some questions!

In the order recieved:

1. How tall are you?

5' 11'' (180 cm)

2. What do you look for in a guy physically?

In a word: Adorable. I want someone as cute as a button. I like such a wide range of specific traits, but it all boils down to if I can look at you and at some point think, "awwwww soooo adorable!"

3. What do you look for in a guy non-physically?

I want someone who will give me as much as I put into a relationship. So someone who is assertive enough to make some effort themselves. Otherwise, lovely personalities. I dunno, if we click, we click.

4. What country do you most want to visit?

Mmm... tough one. I've been so many places already. I think I would love to go to New Zealand though, I think I would fall in love with the terrain there.

5. What is your favorite T.V. show?

Well, Boston Legal jumps to mind first. However, I also like Arrested Development and Glee. I've started getting into Strangers with Candy as well. As for classic shows,* M*A*S*H* is great, Three's Company I used to watch all the time as well. OH and I loved Courage the Cowardly Dog.

6. How would you describe yourself in a couple of words?

I only need one: queer.

7. Boxers or Briefs?

Boxerbriefs

8. Who would I turn straight for?

No one, I would be in a lesbian relationship with many women I know though.

9.You are offered the opportunity of a lifetime, but, to take it, you must change your name and move away from home and friends that you will not be able to see or talk to for 5 years... The money($1,000,000) will be paid, only if you live up to the letter of the contract. Would you take it??

Sure. New people, new places. $1,000,000 is irrelevant, to be able to have a chance to do that at all would be fascinating and exciting, money or no.

10. Same as above, only, instead of a job, your contract would require you to become a member of a devout religious organization... would you do that?

Possibly as an experiment to see if I could gain faith in something. I doubt it would work though.

11. If you were to die today, what would be left unfulfilled!

Oh god, sooo much! There's a lot of living I have left to do.

12. How big are you?

I'll assume that I know what you are referring to. ~6.5 inches

13. Are you a virgin?

No

14. Spit or swallow?

Haven't really had to confront that issue yet. So either/or at this point.

15. Can we have a picture?

Perhaps in the future. We'll see.

16. Talk about the lesbian thing!

Ok well... Ignoring that this isn't a question... (Andrew... haha). Here's why I consider myself a lesbian. First of all, I'm attracted to lesbian women, soft butches to be exact, sooo cute. Second, if I were to enter into a relationship with a women, I don't think I would go into it thinking it would be like a "normal straight relationship." I don't think I would necessarily see myself in the masculine position in a relationship, and I think it would feel more like a lesbian one. So yeah. That's why I'd consider myself both gay and a lesbian, not necessarily bisexual. Basically: queer.

17. What is your favorite recreational reading?

Kurt Vonnegut and Stephen King.

18. Do you like Sci-fi? Fantasy?

Sci-fi... well if it's like Ray Bradbury, then sure! As for fantasy... well, if it's like J.R.R. Tolkien, then sure!

19. What is your favorite of classical literature?

Favorites are always hard... I'm really having a bit of trouble with this one, so we'll just say The Great Gatsby for now and move on to the next question.

20. Who is your favorite author?

Again with favorites... Kurt Vonnegut though.

Wow, 20 questions. Not bad!

Remember you can ask me whatever you like, anytime. Shoot me an email! Although, please use rhythymchanges@gmail.com instead of mr_matt_iiv@hotmail.com, as I am going to close the latter account as it has been sending out spam lately... I'll get a new msn and everything and let you know when that happens!

Hope you enjoy my answers. And feel free to ask anything anytime.

Matt

Ok y'all. I crumbled and got a formspring, which i realize are sooo last month, but ask questions there at your leisure. The addy is http://www.formspring.me/rhythymchanges

Cool cool

OMG!!

2010-06-11T23:55:00.001-06:00

Harold and Maude!!!

My new favorite movie!

Oh my god! I loved it!!!

Question answers soon, ask more if you'd like.

That is all,

Matt

Three makes a trend!

2010-06-09T22:45:00.000-06:00

So the trend of questions is going around again.

I know you're all burned out. I'm asking for questions anyway.

Give me all you got. Ask me about my philosophy, isaac, pride, my sexuality (lesbianism and all) anything you wanted to know, just ask!

Also, here are a few pictures of some awesome stuff I got at Pride!

I got a henna tattoo of a "Q" as a double meaning (come to find out I should have added a superscript "2" to make it Q^2 but oh well) the first meaning is "Queer" and the second meaning only though who know me well would get.

The second picture of of a t-shirt I bought. It's probably revealing toooo much info, but whatevs, I love the shirt and want to share!

Anyway, ask questions, please?

Matt

Big Recap

2010-06-08T21:49:00.000-06:00

Right this minute I'm in such a good mood! I think it's the endorphins, I got back from a hike a little while ago, and now I'm listening to "Wedding Bell Blues" by the Fifth Dimension (on vinyl of course).

Wow.

Pride.

What a weekend.

What an experience.

I'm way bummed out that it's over.

Friday, partied it up. Not pride related, a friend from work was leaving town for the summer for a job so she was throwing a party. I only knew her at the party. Despite this, it was one of the most fun times I've ever had at a party before. I made two new best friends, Haley and Jamie. We bonded and had soo much fun. I helped one of them hook up with a really cute guy. Damn, I'm too nice...

The next day I woke up, took my parking ticket with a straight face and went home to shower and get ready to go out and decorate a float for Pride. Had fun, went to the festival after that. Bought me a new bracelet and got a few other ones for free. Got a henna tattoo as well. It's a "Q". Did some more stuff, it was a good time in general though.

The next day I got up and went downtown to be in the parade. Saw Isaac, there was a bit of that drama this weekend, kinda put a damper on a lot of Sunday. I ended up tabling most of the day for the Resource Center, which I didn't mind. It was waaay too hot this weekend anyway and I didn't feel like moving much. After the festival went to some friends' apartment for a get together before they all went off to the clubs. Had a bit to drink, by the time everyone left, I didn't feel safe to drive, so I kicked it there alone for a while. It's a good thing I love their apartment and it was a nice night for the four block walk I had to get to my car. Earlier that evening there was a rainbow in the sky, followed by a bit of thunder and lighting, really cool stuff to end Pride weekend.

Yesterday it was back to work (some interesting things happening there, but that's a post for another time). That evening though, I went to dinner for my friend Sam's birthday, it was also for Isaac. As it happened I sat next to Isaac. It was a bit uncomfortable for me, but I got through it pretty well... if pretending to be a lot more tired than I really was to mask feeling uncomfortable is getting through it pretty well... Well after dinner I went for coffee with my friend Cameron whom I had not seen in a long time. We ended up being there from like 9:30 to midnight. Oy vey. It was a really good talk though. Basically it was me telling him all about Isaac and everything.

We came to some interesting conclusions.

I'm very emotionally detached. This affect my friendships as they are all quite shallow when you really look at them. I don't really have any really really close friends. This is because I don't make emotional connections with friends.

Losing Isaac has been very difficult because he is one of the few people I've made an emotional connection with in a very long time. When that connection was severed, I was/am heartbroken.

I have a habit of analyzing my emotions as a way of staving off pain. This keeps me from sharing them with others.

There's more but I'm not going into it right now. This post is too monstrous to begin with.

Suffice to say, coffee last night was certainly an interesting experience.

Well, goodnight folks.

Matt

Oh yeah...

2010-06-03T21:31:00.000-06:00

It's Pride this weekend. I forgotted... I've never been, this'll be fun.

I really don't have the time to write that post I was talking about, but it's still rattling around in the ol' cerebrum.

I just got back from an evening hike, missed the sunset and it started to get dark on me... whoops.

I still think about Isaac too much, but it's less than before.

You know what they say, "Only Love can break a Heart."

Matt

Coming Attractions

2010-06-01T23:43:00.000-06:00

I've got at least one post I've been rattling around my brain, I'm kinda too tired for it tonight, but it'll get done soon.

Also, I want to take the time to reply to all the comments i've been getting recently. I really appreciate them, and I've been a total jerk leaving them unacknowledged. So if you've commented recently, check back soon and I should have replied to some/all of them!

Also, I've apparently hit 200 posts. I don't know what to do for it... If I got a formspring would anyone ask questions? Or if you have other ideas they are much appreciated.

Anyway,

Matt

Addiction - Addendum

2010-05-27T22:26:00.001-06:00

Can you be addicted to a person?

It sure feels like that right now with Isaac.

If I go a day without talking to him or whatever, I get that pain whenever I see his name and all that junk (plus I get really jealous when I see he's been out doing fun stuff with people I know, it's completely stupid and irrational and all that but whatever, it's what I feel). But when I just talk to him, I feel calmer.

I dunno.

In other news my abs are killing me. I wanted to go for a hike today but the weather was poopy so I didn't go. Hopefully it'll be better tomorrow.

Also, tomorrow my boss won't be at work, and he won't be there the following week at all. While this sounds awesome and like a vacation, it's not exactly that cool for me. I don't do well without some instruction with my job. It's very come as you are, do what needs to be done as it comes up. Usually my boss directs me towards what needs to be done. Granted, we went around the facilities today and came up with a big list of things to do, I'm just afraid that I'll finish it all too quickly and have nothing to do. I can't just pretend to work or just sit around either, I won't let myself.

Anyway, those are my ramblings for now. Went out to dinner with my brother today which was kinda nice, I like hanging out with him more and more now, he's such a different kid than I expected (or well... haha I guess I knew already...).

Alright, I'm gonna try to get some sleep,

Matt

Addendum: Perhaps it's time for Mexico...

I'm Exhausted!

2010-05-25T21:55:00.000-06:00

So I've decided I'm going to get serious with my exercising.

Today I went for a hike/run after work + did push ups and crunches.

I want to do a hike/run every tuesday and thursday and just keep up the crunches and push ups daily.

What I mean by hike/run is hike up the steep parts and run the flats.

I'm back to talking with Isaac, but it's a very healthy way of talking (at least for me). I don't feel pain when I do, I just enjoy talking to him, as a friend. Apparently he's been partying it up a bit too hard lately and has been slightly traumatized and is going back to being anti-social (or so sayeth facebook). I told him he'd better not disappear completely.

That snow we got yesterday? It was gone by the afternoon. The picture I didn't take (well... I took it from Google) but it fit the post.

Work's been good, as long as I'm busy it's good. I don't like sitting around too much.

Anyway, I should be getting to bed now.

Goodnight,

Matt

A New Week

2010-05-24T09:12:00.000-06:00

It's snowing.

Waiting for the bus won't be fun... haha oh well.

I decided last night after a bit of pizza and Family Guy therapy I was going to be alright.

I'm not going to stop talking to Isaac, I'll still be friendly, but I think I've accepted that friendly is all it's going to be.

Speaking of which, I was literally picking up my phone to text him about the snow, and lo and behold, my phone buzzes and it's him. Haha what'da you know. I didn't feel overly happy, or sad for that matter, which I guess is good. He needs to elicit a more neutral emotion.

I'm not exactly thrilled to go to work, but then again, who is really?

I guess I just wanted to say, I'm going to be alright.

Matt

Harump: Updated

2010-05-23T16:29:00.001-06:00

Well, I guess I'm in a better mood than before.

Today's been an uneventful one. I've done laundry, read a bit of "Snow Falling on Cedars" (a good book, I'm re-reading it) and I've been playing my guitar a bit.

I'm still not sure where I stand on Isaac. Sam invited me to see Milk at the Pride Center tonight, but I'm probably not going to go. I want to, I want to see Isaac again (who will undoubtedly be there) but I don't want to risk slipping back into a bad mood.

I hope the whole summer won't be like this.

Update:

Despite by best efforts, I have slipped back into being depressed and sad.
I don't even know what's wrong. I don't know how to fix this.

I've already worn myself down, physically and emotionally, and it's not even June yet.

=( / hubjkljhbhjbhvtyhgyuig / hmmm.... (A Three Act Play)

2010-05-23T01:40:00.004-06:00

I saw him at a party tonight, totally not ready. =(

Hours later...

Fuck i'm insane, i'm starting to feel ok with everything and I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO BE OK

I'd rather be miserable and in love than ok.

a little while later

hmmm... i don't really know what i'm feeling now.

I've spent this whole week trying to get over him and now that i'm pretty much there, i decide i don't like that.

At the end of the week.

2010-05-21T22:01:00.000-06:00

So...

I'm sorry if every post I make lately seems angry/depressed/down in general. I guess I'm just going through a lot of emotions.

For some reason I don't post when I'm feeling happy right now, which I have been.

Let's see...

I started working again on Wednesday, which has been really really good for me. I'm dead tired today as a result though (well that and the hike i went on yesterday too...).

So, rant time:

So let me preface this: For the most part I think I'm over Isaac except, everytime I see him on facebook, or hear him mentioned, whatever, I feel that weight hit my chest. Sometimes it's not bad, or even there, sometimes it hits heavily.

Well, tonight he posts this message saying "i'm so bored! why?!" or something like that. First thing that came to mind: "you're wondering why you're bored? Well you ass i told you before, I've told you again and again you can call me anytime." Or something like that.

I dunno.

This whole week I've kept busy and filled my social calender seeing a lot of friends. Now: I'm sitting home alone feeling lonely and listening to showtunes.

I've tried reaching people, but no one responds.

As a result, my brain (when I'm left alone with my thoughts these things happen) starts to think, "hey, everyone's out having loads of fun doing stuff, and they didn't bother to call you, or they are too busy to." This is most likely not true, but my thoughts spin out of control sometimes.

I dunno. It was a good day too.

Now I'm listening to "Nothing" from A Chorus Line for the 6th time.

Sorry for being soo depressing all the time lately.

Here's something humorous I posted to facebook today (which got more comments than I'm used to):

"Sometimes I feel too butch at work so I balance out the testosterone with showtunes to remind myself that I like boys."

I thought it was humorous at least.

Anyway...

I'm going to go do... something I guess... I don't know.

Matt

Bsdflkj

2010-05-18T22:07:00.001-06:00

Bitter and Depressed

Good night.

Update on how I'm doing

2010-05-18T00:51:00.000-06:00

So today I woke up feeling really good, like, Ok, I'm ok.

That lasted about a half an hour until I really woke up. So I decided to get out of the house and distract myself.

On the bus there were a few times where I would randomly start to choke up and I had to control myself. Then I would have periods of calm and peace. But it's been a weird day.

I went to the library to drop off my showtune CDs, then went to the University to go to the Resource Center, saw some folks, went by the theater, talked to my friends there, took the light rail downtown, walked to my friend's house, who wasn't home yet, so went to my other friend's apartment who lives in the same building until he got home. We had lunch and went to his garden plot at the community gardens. Got back, went to dinner and another friend joined us. Himalayan food. Dropped by an anarchist collective, super cute guy there, went back to friend's apartment, made vegan cookies. Talked, laughed, had a good time.

Maybe mundane, but my day was one distraction after another. I knew as soon as I got home, and was alone, my thoughts have gone back to Isaac. I just keep thinking, "fuck."

At least I'm not crying again.

yet...

Matt

Well... it's over.

2010-05-16T14:49:00.000-06:00

Not that there really was anything.

I talked to Isaac. Basically: I want more, he doesn't want to get too attached before he leaves.

I guess I'll cry it all out today and start a new week tomorrow.

I suck... Update: showdown

2010-05-16T11:16:00.001-06:00

So last night should have been really fun, but it ended up with me crying, so that's never really good.

Isaac and I went to a party with our other friend Sam last night. Like, I had to basically tell Isaac, "you're coming to pick me up." Well we go to the party and actually have a fairly good time, and then we went to Dee's after. Well I sat next to Isaac, basically stuck around him all night.

Well things went sour for me when someone asked if we were together. We both were like, "what?" and had to pause a second. I took a drink of water and Isaac just shook his head "no." I just muttered something like "awkward..." and yeah.

So after Dee's we went to this other guy's house to just talk with whoever was left from the party. Well we get there and as everyone settles down on the couches, Isaac plugs a whole between Sam and this other guy, so I sat on the floor. Eventually Sam got up and I took his seat next to Isaac, but I could bring myself to really touch him at all. Any confidence I once had with him is completely gone now. Anyway, he eventually gets up and lies on the floor and goes at sits on the other couch next to Sam again. At this point in the night I just really felt depressed.

Anyway, eventually he drives me home at like 5:00 AM. I get on facebook just to see who there is to talk to, my friend who's now in London was on so I unloaded on her, and that's when I started to cry, which was good because it helped relieve a little bit of this weight on my chest I've felt since Dee's, which I now realize is back.

So yeah. I'm kind of a wreck, because add on top of all of this, I started thinking about what I'm doing with my life and I realize that I have surrounded myself with all this talent that I don't feel I can ever reach and I don't know what to do with my life and things just aren't really good right now.

Sorry if you don't like downer posts, I don't particularly like writing them either, but it helps you know.

Anyway, bye,

Matt

UPDATE: So we were planning on hanging out today anyway, so I texted him if he still wanted to, and he said sure what do you want to do. So i said i dunno, i guess just go somewhere where we can talk.

He asked me, "about what?"

I've said, "umm... i guess about us."

So, I guess I'll be getting out in the open. I don't know what or if anything will change. I don't think it will, i don't know if it'll help or hurt more, but i feel like i should do it anyway.

So I guess it's showdown time.

Neato Torpedo?

2010-05-14T11:11:00.000-06:00

Soo...

~~Sorry for the last two post~~ No actually I'm not sorry. However, it's been a rough couple of weeks.

I actually think I may be mildly bi-polar, I don't really know. Lately I've been having mood swings, like I'll have a great day, and then by the night I'm pissed off and depressed, and then I'll have days the start out horribly and stay horrible, and I'll be in a foul mood or whatever. And then I'm happy again.

So

I'm feeling better today.

Went for a hike yesterday, didn't stop the whole way up, and ran the whole way down. I'm sore today, but I think I'm going to try to go regularly over the summer, get fit and all that. I went by myself though. I sent out a, "hey anyone want to go hiking tomorrow?" type message on the facebook, and got one response, from this girl i knew in high school, who I never talk to.

I've been feeling quite loser-ish lately, and I wasn't feeling the love from blog-world lately, or from anyone else really. It starts to wear on you, you know.

Anyway, hiking, then I went to the library later that day and picked up 10 CDs of showtunes that I should have had already but didn't have. So I've been listening to: Girl Crazy, Into the Woods, In the Heights, Miss Saigon, Les Miserables (to be fair I have the symphonic london cast recording but this the original broadway cast), A Chorus Line, 42nd Street, Cabaret, Hair, and a fairly new show called [Title of Show]. These have put me in a good mood.

Also I went to tea with my friend Ian, we talked for like 2 1/2 hours (my record is 4 hours). It was a good thing for me to do.

Anyway. If you've thought the last few posts have been self-indulgent bullshit and I should just stop whining and get over myself, then fuck you too. When I say "I get it" it means I understand and accept, I'm O.K. with it.

Neato torpedo?

Good,

Matt

Ok, I get it.

2010-05-13T10:42:00.000-06:00

I'm not popular.

I get it.

I don't make a post in weeks. No one comments asking where I've gone (ok scratch that, two - weeks later). No emails asking if I'm ok.

I get it.

When I do make a post, a thinly veiled cry for support. I get one person offering support.

I get it.

I see other people getting support right and left.

I get it.

Thanks for caring guys,

Matt

P.s. to those of you who do comment, or show concern, or notice when I'm gone, thank you.

Life

2010-05-11T09:33:00.001-06:00

So,

Where have I been?

Busyland.

School caught up to me, life caught up to me. I needed a break. I still need a break, but I'm posting here because yeah...

Anyway, hopefully I'll finish this before I have to go to the dentist. I'm going in for my first fillings in m life... That's depressing.

Also, I need to get over Isaac, that's depressing too.

But a little less self-explanatory, allow me to fix that.

So I can't be bothered to see where I last left off with the Isaac saga, but I'll pick it up with me asking him what his thoughts on relationships were. And they were: Not really a fan of labels, not sure if he wants to be in one right now, besides, we're both going away for school, but I really like hanging out with you, is that ok?

Sure it's ok. At first I was totally like, "yeah, that makes sense. Alright, we're gonna keep hanging out and I'll just keep on keeping on!" Well, we went to a movie the following Wednesday. I think it was a bit awkward, we didn't talk much, but then again he's pretty quiet. Anyway, after the movie we went to get some coffee and talk, and he brought up our conversation on Sunday, which by the way, and i admitted this as well, it was through text which wasn't a good idea. Anyway, we talked about it, I fumbled around with my words, but he said he really liked me.

I'm still not sure if he meant it. After that we didn't really hang out that weekend, he was busy with stuff and by sunday when I invited him to dinner with some friends and a concert afterwards he was too beat to come. So whatever, I was disappointed, but I understood. Well he's had AP tests last week, so I guess he's got some excuse, but he's seemed a bit distant.

Like one of my biggest pet peeves ever in any sort of relationship is having to make all the effort. Lately I've been feeling like I've been doing just that with Isaac. Anyway, by the weekend I just stopped texting him entirely, waiting for him to come to me. I broke first. So we're talking again, but it feels different, it doesn't feel like the beginning when the feeling of excitment seemed mutual and we both seemed into each other. I feel like he's made a bigger impression on me, than I have on him.

I dunno. I want to say it's just life getting in the way. As soon as I decide to go away for school and get everything finalized, I meet someone who also happens to be going away. Life does dumb shit sometimes, it's not fair, but I'll get over it, and him.

However this morning, and I wasn't going to put this here, but it's what I was thinking so I'm going to anyway, I was thinking.

I am a mildly attractive, awkward, neurotic, and insecure person with enough confidence to carry a conversation on small talk, but who falls apart when it comes to the simplest intimacy like holding hands, who is mediocre in nearly every sense except that I have a taste in people that is not mediocre, which makes me think why they would bother with me.

Told you I shouldn't have put that. Oh well.

Pity party time.

Whoo.

I'm the only one invited, so don't bother showing up.

In other news, I am now done with this semester,

Matt

April 16 - Repost From a Different Time and Place

2010-04-16T09:00:00.001-06:00

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar.
Fearful when the sky is full of thunder,
and at the falling of a star.

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down,
We're captive on a carousel of time.
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round in the Circle Game.

Then the child moved ten times round the season
Skated over ten clear frozen streams.
Words like "when you're older" must appease him,
and promises of "someday" make his dreams.

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down,
We're captive on a carousel of time.
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round in the Circle Game.

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now,
Cartwheels turn to car-wheels in the town.
And they tell him, "take your time, it won't be long now."
"Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down."

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down,
We're captive on a carousel of time.
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round in the Circle Game.

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some Grandeur coming true
They'll be new dreams maybe better dreams, and plenty,
Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down,
We're captive on a carousel of time.
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round in the Circle Game.

- Joni Mitchell

If you read all of that, well good on you. This note is for the people who sit down and reflect. This song by Joni Mitchell some of you may remember from Mr. Doherty's class, some who didn't have Mr. Doherty, well ask me to sing it for you sometime, I'd be happy to oblige. I didn't think to much about this song before, but lately it's gotten me teary eyed. I understand so much more about it now.

Remember the good old days? Which ones you say? Pick one, it doesn't matter because it's gone. Don't worry they haven't gone for good, we can still have them in our memories, that's allowed. Look back every now and then, but then look at the present, appreciate it. Taste it, smell it, feel it, breath it. You deserve to, look at what you have been through to get here. Never forget either, that when the present is hard to swallow, painful to the ear, and rough to the touch that you can go back and live amongst the past, for a while.

Warning: Do not stay in the past! The carousel of time will keep on spinning hurtling from your cozy reminiscences and abrasively landing you in the present again. For those unprepared the bump can be unsettling, for those forewarned, the journey exhilarating.

In the past few weeks I've been reflecting on my life, and thinking about how good it's been. I've been happy for the good times, sad for the bad, but overall I think I've gained valuable wisdom from every experience I have. I am pleased to say, I harbour no grudges towards anyone. I feel no hatred or shame, embarrassment perhaps, but certainly no shame. I believe it is important to let go of hate, anger and anguish. It serves no purpose, life moves on and on and on and we need no additional wakes on this turbulent sea of life.

I am truly sorry if this note distracts from the current political discussions of late these notes have been providing, but I felt that this song and these insights are valuable to share with you all. Please if you have any additional insights or comments leave them below.

With as much peace and love as one guy can give to many guys and girls,

Matt

April 15 - Daniel

2010-04-15T23:02:00.000-06:00

Dan, baby, I love you. Happy birthday. I suck at gifts this year. Sorry. I feel like I'm re-gifting one and coping out on the other. Oh well. Here's a link to your post from last year.

Ok.

Hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Matt

April 14 - Set Em Up

2010-04-14T19:17:00.000-06:00

Ok so I've set up some dates with Isaac so yay.

Umm...

Not much to blog about.

I fail. Give me ideas.

Matt

April 13 - Words and Music

2010-04-13T15:43:00.000-06:00

Not much to talk about today.

Still texting Isaac, I'm gonna try and set up a date sometime soon.

Umm...

Song!

I love this song.

Matt

April 12 - I've Got a Feeling

2010-04-12T16:52:00.000-06:00

So I've been texting Isaac all day.

I'm worried about messing things up. But then again I don't know what I'm potentially messing up. I'm not quite sure what I want and if that matches up with what he wants, if he wants anything at all. Sometimes I can be so insecure.

The bus ride home I felt really weird. I think it was a combination hunger, having to go to the bathroom and general worrying about this whole thing with Isaac.

Oh well. Ima go eat dinner.

Matt

April 11 - I guess I will do one for today

2010-04-11T16:43:00.000-06:00

So here's the story from last night.

It was my friend's dirty thirty birthday party. Martinis were on the menu. And birthday kisses in the air (and on the lips I suppose (and the tongue...)).

Set upon this backdrop, a glass of vermouth straight up, one gin martini, one vodka martini, and one very dirty vodka martini, a cute boy that I've never seen before somehow appears. Mind you at this point I'm wearing my friend Ashley's tank top because everyone was trying to get me to take my shirt off and I wouldn't do it, so as a compromise I wore the tank, which was green and awesome.

Anyway, I was casually trying to get a feel for this new boy, sitting close to him and talking to him casually and such.

Oh and this point I should mention that nearly everyone there was gay, lesbian, or otherwise queer.

Anyway. So he goes off to use the restroom and I turn to my friend Cameron and we start talking about him.

"He's really cute"

"Who?"

"Him, Isaac, the one that was behind me."

"Oh yeah he's really attractive."

Little did I know, he somehow got behind us and caught on we were talking about him. I turn away in embarrassment and Cameron just tells him that I thought he was really attractive. Apparently he just blushed.

Oh more background. One of my other friends, who is a horrible voyeur, was trying to get me and Cameron to kiss, or Cameron and another friend to kiss. There was a lot of kissing going on last night. Case in point: Spin the bottle was played.

At first Isaac and I just sat out for a while and I tried making small talk. Well eventually he's all, if I play you have to play too. Well we didn't get the bottle either of us.

The game dispersed a bit. The topic of kissing came up and my friend Sam was egging Isaac on to kiss someone and he's all, "Not in front of everyone."

So I did something I never though I would.

I came up behind him and grabbed his arm and gentle pulled him towards the bedroom, and he comes right along.

I don't need to say much about the making out, suffice to say it was hot. We were in there for like... 20-30 minutes. It was great, I needed it. All the while people kept either peeking, or opening the door once someone finally shut it.

Well it was all very cute sort of awkward when finally came out. I was going to ask for his phone number before he left, chickened out.

My plan was to find him on facebook this morning, but when I got home, lo and behold I had a friend request from him waiting.

We chatted for two hours this morning before finally going our separate ways, not without trading some digits though.

Needless to say I'm looking forward to the next little while.

Matt

April 10, 11 - Double Oops, but I have a good excuse.

2010-04-11T12:22:00.000-06:00

So sorry about yesterday.

Plus today is gonna be short, full details to come.

Basically I met a boy. We *ahem* didn't do too much talking *ahem* but he's super cute.

Anyway, see yah,

Matt

Just change girl to boy and you'll be ok.

April 9 - Oops

2010-04-10T01:47:00.000-06:00

Weekends are hard ok?

Not really much to say.

Went to a party tonight, had fun. Parties seem to leave me in a funky mood by the end of them though lately. I dunno what's up with that.

This evening has been pretty good, much joy, anticipation, relief, and now bittersweet remorse.

I know I've posted this song before, but that was under completely different circumstances (for the most part) from tonight.

Matt

April 8 - A New Beginning

2010-04-08T16:53:00.000-06:00

I got rhythm, I got music, I got sunshine, who could ask for anything more?

Well, I could. First off, I like the rain, sun is fine but rain is better. Second, I could ask for a lot more. Finally, I do have music, but my rhythm is a bit off, always has been.

I am Matt [last name withheld], I am a guy who is trying to figure out what he wants in life. I am a musician, I play the Guitar, banjo, mandolin, harmonica, and I sing. None of these things I do with any great proficiency but I enjoy doing them nonetheless. I tend to wax poetic, or at least philosophical. I try to speak well, and if I don't it's for a reason.

I am a, whatcha callie, bisexual individual. I have never liked the word bisexual, it's just not a good word. That doesn't mean what it stands for is bad as well. I like them boys, that I can be sure of. What I have been struggling with for much of my past years is the big question mark that is a girlish figure complete with lady bits. In general I like boys more, but there are special girls out there that do get me. Oy vey, I'll have to figure it out one of these days, but I don't want to now.

Hmm... what next....

Well, as the more astute of you out there have noticed, I have spelled Rhythym incorrectly. Well that just adds to my charm don't it? The even more astute of you out there will gather that Rhythym Changes refers to a specific chord progression, generally found in the realm of jazz, that the Gershwin tune, I've Got Rhythm, is played over. However, beyond that, perhaps it could be representive of the rhythym changes we experience in life, different moods, different folks, different strokes.

This is who I am, a flux structure. A figure in dynamic equilibrium.

Nice to meet you.

Matt

So that was then. This is now.

What's changed? Not too much.

And yet...

I am a completely different person than I was a year ago.

I have grown where I wanted to and regressed where I didn't. Plus I have grown where I haven't wanted, and regressed where I have.

The nice thing about this blog being mine, is that I can do whatever I like.

Thank you all readers for your reader-y-ship. To date I have had 13,000 visitors (granted I started keeping track in June last year).

41% use Firefox
37% use Internet Explorer

80% of you visit from a Windows operating system while 15% are from Macs.

68% of visitors here never come back and only 7% think its worth another look.

82% of you stay for less than 10 seconds. Roughly 12% stay for over a minute.

The top ten countries that visit here are:

1. The United States
2. The United Kingdom
3. Germany
4. Canada
5. Australia
6. France
7. Netherlands
8. Spain
9. Italy
10. Poland

Interesting stats no?

Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow,

Matt

April 7 - The Doctor is in.

2010-04-07T21:36:00.001-06:00

Dr. No that is. Mwahahahaha!

Oh Sean, you're such a manly man.

Matt

April 6 - Eyes

2010-04-06T19:05:00.000-06:00

April 5 - Bring on the Rain

2010-04-05T17:21:00.000-06:00

It's raining, not hard, but just enough to give the air a peculiar smell and to wet the air. ... and the ground too I guess.

Haha I love the rain, I always say that but I just have to re-iterate it again. I'm so excited for Seattle next year.

Today was actually pretty good. I got up a half an hour late, which especially sucked as I was *going* to get up two hours early to finish some papers. Oh well, didn't happen. I bought myself time.

Side note: I have become a chronically late student, I show to class on time, but assignments.... I'm getting worse! Eeep!

Anyway. I passed two exams in my guitar class, which I am *really* happy about. One I've been working on for like 2 weeks. Way longer than anyone else, but whatever, it's done. The second piece I passed off my first try, which like never happens. I'm feeling much better about myself as a musician now.

What wasn't great, is getting home like 20 minutes ago and finding my mom bitching at me about my room and laundry. I'm not going to let her get to me, I'm locking myself in my room (figuratively speaking as my room doesn't actually have a lock...) and not coming out until I want to get some food to eat (some of my chowder) and going to a concert tonight (Dianne Reeves).

Today's song is actually two songs. I'm feeling a little bit country and I heard a song on the radio that I hadn't heard in a long time. And then the same artist made another song that I borrowed my title from so I thought I'd include it as well.

Enjoy,

Matt

P.S. Give me ideas still, things I can do right here to celebrate my blog. Do you want to know more about me? Do you want me to do something special? What would you like to see/read/hear?

P.P.S. The sooner I can move away from using youtube to post songs the better, please help if you can (see last post's post scripts). Thanks!

April 4 - Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T14:25:00.000-06:00

Hey y'all.

Went to brunch at my grandparent's house. Lovely time.

Just gotta clean up the house now and do some homework. It's been a nice weekend though.

I don't really have much to say, just another lazy Sunday afternoon.

Today's song is a bluegrass tune in honor of The Bluegrass Express, a local radio program on the public radio station, which is only available on Sundays. My family listens to it every Sunday and we have for as long as I can remember.

The tune is a Peter Rowan song called Land of the Navajo.

Well enjoy,

Matt

P.S. Does anyone know how to post an audio clip to blogger? It would make music sharing easier.

P.P.S. My one year Bloggoversery is coming up and I still want ideas for what to do.

April 3 - Cooking Adventures

2010-04-03T19:43:00.000-06:00

Ahhh...

I started cooking 4 hours ago and I just finished eating this wonderful meal I have prepared for myself.

Clam Chowder and Cheddar Garlic Biscuits. Lovely.

Here's some crappy computer pictures as I am currently camera-less.

Mmm...

Not much else to say. Wish I could have shared the meal with someone, but oh well. I'll share a song with you all instead.

*Some* of you might not like jazz, but it is very important to me and so I am choosing to share it. This is a wonderful Miles Davis tune with some phenomenal players on this recording.

Enjoy!

Matt

April 2 - It wasn't a joke.

2010-04-02T20:21:00.000-06:00

I'm really doing it.

But tonight is going to be a quick post. I'm off to go make bad decisions, wish me luck!

Matt

Song:

My Kind of Song

April 1 - This seems familiar...

2010-04-01T19:09:00.001-06:00

Ok... so I know I just did this but... It's blog everyday in April!

I actually did this when I first started my blog... So I guess I'll link the appropriate post on the appropriate day and explain a little bit. This way you get double the content and a little history to boot.

So... I just realized that I didn't start blogging until April 8th...

OMG I'm about to reach my bloggoversery! What should I do?! I shall take suggestions below although I have a bit of an idea already...

Anyway. I'll still be blogging everyday in April, just won't have anything to comment on (previous post wise) until the 8th.

Well... today's been interesting. It started out pretty good and progressive got worse as time went on. Maybe I should say that my mood got worse as time went on.

You see, to cut a long story short. Today has been mentally taxing. A great discussion about an awesome film in my Latin American class called, "Memories of Underdevelopment" (It's a Cuban film, so obviously the title is translated). After that I had a wonderful conversation about marriage in the LGBTQ community and why some people within the community don't want it, from there it branched out into conversation about debates vs dialogue that was quite interesting. Then I was on a panel of LGBTQ individuals which I've done before. Basically you sit in front of a class and talk about your experiences and stories. It's cool but always a bit taxing - coming out to large groups of people and telling random strangers about your life is a bit different when you can see them staring back and you and asking questions.

I think what it really was that got me though, was the prospect of going home to an empty house and the loneliness that accompanied that feeling.

But I feel much better now.

I made fried rice for the first time ever (I hope the egg cooked enough...) and it was pretty good actually. Now I'm just enjoying a nice glass of vermouth and typing out a blog post.

Oh well,

Matt

PS: I added one of them pingbox thingies. I encourage you all to try it out. And if it doesn't work lemme know eh?

PPS: I'll do cute boys occasionally, but I will post a new song everyday in April so... yay!

Oh yeah... I do this don't I?

2010-03-29T23:51:00.000-06:00

Blogging.

Well I'm better than I was on Friday, somewhat :/ But I mean, I think I'm going through that lonely phase where I alternate between feeling particularly lonely to feeling particularly horny (enough so to essentially proposition a straight friend of mine...). My problem? The same as before, where do I meet cute guys that would be interested in me? I think part of my problem is that I look older than I am, most people guess me at 24ish or so, when in reality I am still 19. It's nice in some regards but I still feel like I'm missing part of my childhood and adolescence as I've always looked older. I dunno, I'm weird, but you knew that already.

Let's see... I feel pretty much on top of school. Had a bit of a snag though, well two. First of all, in my Jazz Guitar Class we were tested on this triplet exercise. I'm pretty much the only one who hasn't passed yet. Sometimes I really struggle in that class and like I feel very self conscious about it. It certainly holds some of the most anxiety of all my classes, but also some of the most joy. Whatevs. Hang up number two, the damn bookstore seems to run out of books by the time I want to buy them. You see I had to buy a bunch of small literature books this semester, and instead of buying them all at the beginning of the year I decided to buy as I needed. Bad idea. This is the second time I've had to go elsewhere to find the book I need because the bookstore is out of them.

Anyway, that last paragraph was probably really boring, read the first one for any juicy personal drama.

My family is taking a trip this Thursday-Sunday. I will be staying home. This is wonderful news. I love having the house to myself. It's nice to be able to work in a silent, comfortable, familiar space without interruption.

But its not like a have a boy to bring home... Oy there I get started with all that again.

I'd take him home...

Oh and I have an announcement, I think I may be a lesbian.Therefore I would identify currently as a man who is gay and lesbian with transgendered tendencies. I could go on and on. Perhaps in another post I will, but that will suffice for now.

Right-o, g'night folks,

Matt

sigh

2010-03-26T23:58:00.000-06:00

I was having such a good day...

Now I'm just feeling depressed and lonely.

Good night.

Matt

P.S. this is probably just a pity plea, pay no mind...

Bored

2010-03-25T14:23:00.000-06:00

Ever have those days off where you know you could be doing a ton of stuff, but choose not to anyway and as a result become very bored.

This is one of those days.

Let me think what else I could talk about...

hmmm... *looks around the room* I should probably pick up a bit... naw

*thinks*

*scrunches face up in thinking position*

Well I could talk about how pathetic it is that I've not done anything particularly interesting this break. Sure I went skiing yesterday (I'm moving a bit slower up and down stairs today) which was fun, but yeah... I should be out partying and hanging out with people, but everyone seems busy or something... oh well...

This has been pointless.

Matt

Ahh...

2010-03-24T01:52:00.000-06:00

I don't know why, but things seem very... peaceful tonight...

Well, I'm off to go skiing tomorrow!

Goodnight blogland

Matt

Little Things

2010-03-23T16:33:00.000-06:00

So I guess I have a bit of an announcement to make... ahem... I'm off to Seattle Washington for school next year!

I may have mentioned this already, but I'm going through this program called the NSE (National Student Exchange), the short of it being that I get to go to another school for a year, cheaply.

I'm really excited to go as this was my first choice of schools, soooo excited!

Anyway, today I went to see a movie. I've come to accept that the majority of movies I'm going to see are going to be ones that I go to alone. Oh well... The dollar theaters cheap entertainment. Today I saw a film entitled, "An Education." Quite an odd film, but I think I liked it. It's about this 16, nearly 17 year old girl in 1960's England who meets an older man and falls in love. Twist is, he's a bit of a con man, thieves for a living basically, but that gives him lots of money. Well she is entranced by him and the climax of their love is a trip to Paris soon after he proposes to her. Well turns out (Spoiler alert), he's already married, and she's given up her schooling to be with him.

(Spoilers over)

She is a vision of loveliness in the movie. Like seriously. She starts out a pretty school girl from England and by the time she gets to Paris, like Audrey Hepburn meets Jackie Kennedy, gorgeous.

"If you never do anything, you never become anyone."

Something else I would like to share with you, a music video. Now before you groan, it's a lovely song about love and I highly recommend it. The singer another gorgeous woman by the name of Nataly Dawn, I've shared some of their (she's partnered with Jack Conte in the band Pomplamoose) music before but this video is particularly sweet.

Remember, "Love is the little things,"

Matt

SPRING BREAK!!

2010-03-21T12:47:00.001-06:00

Whoo! I'm finished!

That lousy paper was well... lousy, but it's done. So yay!

Spring break people! Good timing. I've needed some time off. I've got the whole week. I'm happy.

I'm doing laundry today, I've cleaned my room and things are going well.

No more stress, no more worry, I'm home free.

Well. I've got nothing else to say right now.

Free at last, free at last, good god almighty I'm free at last.

Matt

BAGHFEINGISKLSDFIOFJNKL!!!!!!11one!1eleven!1!eclamatationpoint!11

2010-03-19T23:25:00.000-06:00

Warning: Bitchy post to follow.

Well... It was going to be a lot bitchier, but I went to work and that improved my mood significantly.

What a fucking week.

It started off fine, I've had papers due and the due dates looming and me not starting them and things being just peachy without a care in the world.

Then Wednesday hit.

The day started off fine, and then I started to get very anxious about everything. I thought about all the work I had to do, and the time that was passing me by. From there it spun out into everything else in my life. This knot began to form in my chest as things began to spin out of control. I didn't go full blow anxiety attack but I'm sure I was on the way. I calmed down after going to my Jazz Guitar class and felt better. Went home and worked a bit and then went to bed. Dan actually helped a lot, so thanks Dan.

Thursday, I go to my professor after class and basically lay it out on the line,

"I don't have a paper to turn in today, when can I turn it in?"

Well I essentially have until tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. I can also potentially e-mail it to him no later than Wednesday. I don't want it to take that long. It's my spring break now. I want to enjoy it. Anyway, I got home later and finished my paper that was due Tuesday.

Today, ugh. What a day of ups and downs.

To start off, I missed my bus. I was literally 20 feet away and running waving my arms and the bus just drove past. Goddamn it. So I get to class late, which was fine actually. We were talking about Dante's Inferno, good fun. Then I went to take a midterm in my Asian Civ class. Went well. Then I got some lunch and looked up some books at the library to prepare to start this stupid paper. Dropped off my paper that I finished last night as well. Went to get some reading done. Hell it was boring reading. I started getting that feeling of drowning again. Very subtly, but it was there.

Go to my guitar class, things went alright I guess. We were playing All of You and I just couldn't sync up with the metronome to comp well at all. I eventually got it, and had some fun with the melody, complete improvisation was a bit of a bust though. Oh well. I feel so behind everyone else in that class. Didn't exactly help my mood all that much.

Went home, made a mediocre dinner. Got ready for work. Got to work.

Was working with one of my favorite fellow supervisors, but she's a bit... brash at times. That wasn't exactly what I needed, so I started to feel even more unstable. I was never on the point of collapse but things were progressing towards that. Anyway so there's that.

Also, one of my best friends, who I'll admit I've had, to varying degrees, a bit of a crush on, well she has a boyfriend. But lately she's been really flirty, which isn't entirely uncharacteristic, but still. Like it seems a bit more now. Anyway, that's caused me to question how serious it is.

Well apparently it was hand job serious.

This from the girl who has never been particularly sexual. Anyway, I've been thinking lately that I could have a chance, but now I know it ain't gonna happen. Oh well. My mood was buoyed by finding out why they didn't go further. Yeast Infection!

Things improved after that. Work always cheers me up. I love my job.

Anyway I get home to find an email saying that I've missed both opportunities for meetings having to do with where I'm going to school next year. With all the crap I've been dealing with this week I totally spaced the meeting, and to tell the truth I thought that weren't until the week after next. So now I've got to hope that I haven't royally fucked myself over.

Oh well, very soon I'll be finding out where I'm going.

Ok, this point has been too long and all over the place. I'm going to get some sleep and rest up to write some fuckin words on a page for tomorrow.

Matt

For the Gaga Heads out There

2010-03-15T20:18:00.003-06:00

Hey y'all.

I finished one of three papers last night at 2:30 am. Whoo. Go me.

I'm about to start on my next one as soon as I gather the motivation to actually write something.

In the meantime I've been catching up on my pop culture. I finally watched the new Lady Gaga video, but before I did I saw the following:

I love Pomplamoose! I think I've shared their videos with you all before, but this one's for the Gaga Heads.

Plus, I think Nataly Dawn is prettier than Lady Gaga any day.

Back to the Pax Priísta,

Matt

A Storm is coming...

2010-03-14T19:45:00.003-06:00

A shit storm.

So.

I have a paper due tomorrow, another due Tuesday, and yet another due Thursday.

I haven't started any of them.

I also have a midterm on Friday.

Good news. Spring Break is next week.

Bad news. That's 5 excruciating days from now.

Wish me luck.

Matt

(picture lovingly ripped from nataliedee.com)

Well Hello There/A Different Post

2010-03-11T17:48:00.003-07:00

I'm back!

That was a nice break.

I've decided to keep my blog rolls blank for now.

I'll keep in mind all of your suggestion though, perhaps I'll do something with them later.

Anyway. There's something I'd like to talk about.

Mediocrity.

Specifically mine.

In the final minutes of Amadeus, Antonio Salieri laments his lot in life as being merely mediocre, especially when compared to the great Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

I saw Amadeus for the first time in the 9th grade (I guess I was about 14 at the time) and it's had an effect on me ever since.

You see I realized something, even then.

I am only Mediocre.

In everything I do, I'm only a little above average. I never really shine in anything, especially when compared to other people I know. I guess I have really cool talented smart awesome friends that are all better than me in some way.

I mean, I'm above average in an above average amount of things. I do pretty well in school, I'm better than most people who just pick up a guitar and think they can play, I am a decent chef, better than many, I have a pretty good sense of style, and I'm alright looking.

But, I am keenly aware that there are people I know who are better.

Having this knowledge, I can understand why I don't take compliments well, because I know there are people out there that are more deserving.

I have at various times, embraced and rejected my mediocrity.

It's ok.

Anyway, this has been a glimpse into my crazy mind.

I think my next post will be in the same vein, a bit more serious than usual. Well maybe not serious... Oh I don't know what it will be.

For those of you who have seen Amadeus, I often find myself in Salieri's place.

"I will speak for you, Father. I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint."

Matt

February 28 - Now It's Over!

2010-02-28T19:30:00.003-07:00

Well folks.

That's it.

28 days later...

Wahh wahh waaaah

I know I haven't exactly posted every day in February, but it's been pretty damn close.

I've even gained a few followers! *Thanks new followers* But some of you astute people may have noticed that over there ===========>, something is missing.

That's right folks, my blog rolls have been obliterated. I didn't know where to begin with updating them, so I have decided to start all over.

Thus, you wonderful readers, may nominate those whom you deem worthy to be on my blog roll. You can nominate yourself or others. If I haven't read said nominate blog, I will do so immediately and remedy the situation. In general, no blog will be refused, with one caveat: no porn blogs. Not that they aren't great, but I'm not going to be promoting that; besides there are plenty of places elsewhere to find them.

That being said, nominations are now... OPEN!!!

On another unrelated note.

...

...

...

...

...

Boobies...

heh heh

I haven't got much else to say.

I'm going to keep up blogging fairly regularly I think though. It's been nice to be back after a somewhat extended absence. It seems like there are a lot of bloggers out there that started around when I did who have similarly lapsed and find that things have changed. While this is true, I'm in the opinion that this is a good thing. New stories, new challenges, and new faces (so to speak) are refreshing and keep things from going stale. It's just a matter of keeping up with things, which I'm no good at, but I'm trying.

Today one of my best friends had his mission farewell. He's about to leave for 2 years. He leaves on Wednesday, things haven't quite sunk in that he's going, but they will. Of all my friends, I feel he is most worthy of the Church he belongs to and is perhaps the only one I give my stamp of approval for his mission. I love you and good luck!

Ok, enough with all these words. I know what you cretins are really here for.

I started (sorta) with a bathtub so I think I'll end with one too.

And Dan, hopefully something in there is decent.

Yours always,

Matt

February 27 - It's Not Over!

2010-02-27T21:27:00.002-07:00

Well I'm sorry this month is ending kinda crappily. Illness can't be helped though.

I was in a foul mood today.

Because of work things are better.

I'm going to go watch my favorite movie of all time, Dan in Real Life.

Here is a picture of Paul Dano, who was in Little Miss Sunshine with Steve Carrel, who was also in Dan in Real Life.

Goodnight,

Matt

February 26 - Goodbye!!

2010-02-26T21:16:00.001-07:00

I thought I was on the up and up, but I'm not.

I feel as if I were dying.

Goodnight.

Lovingly ripped from Sethboyardee.

February 25 - Water Water Everywhere...

2010-02-25T16:41:00.002-07:00

And it's a fucking mess!

So I was feeling a bit depressed early, person failings catching up and I don't want to take responsibility for it right now. I'd elaborate but it's ruther embarrassing for me and I just don't feel like putting it out there at this time. Needless to say it's nothing too serious but just something I wish I didn't have to deal with.

Anyway, got home to find my brother mopping up the basement. I don't know if I told y'all but we have this tube that goes to the fridge supplying water for ice and such. Well it started leaking again, but a lot more this time. So I jumped in and started helping him mop things up. It even got as far as the carpet, which isn't good. So I've been helping him and my Dad who got home a little while ago vacuum all the water out.

So I don't really have much else for today, I'm going to get back to cleaning stuff up now.

Matt

February 24 - Ch-ch-changes.

2010-02-24T11:47:00.002-07:00

Just a warning. This post is going to be quite mundane.

Unless you're interested in what I do on an average day.

I think the only reason I'm putting this here is for my future curiosity and for posterity's sake.

So. If you would like to skip the incredibly boring first part then just go down to the line that says, " If you wanted to skip the first part and read the second part then this is where you would start reading."

Everyday I wake up at about 6:45-7:00 AM, take a shower and ready myself for the day.

On Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays (oh and I guess this is for all you stalkers out there too...) I rush to catch the bus by 7:36, until today I have never missed this bus (more on that later). This gets me to school by about 8:00 and my first class starts at 8:35. From there I go to my next class fifteen minutes after the first one ends.

Mondays I volunteer at the LGBT Resource Center for about an hour and a half after my class ends. When I say volunteer I mean it very loosely as I rarely do anything more than answer a phone which is rare still as a staff member is usually there. So really I just socialize there and eat lunch until about 2:30 when I have to go to pick up my guitar for my next class starting at 3:05. After that class I usually try to catch the bus leaving school at 4:27 (though sometimes I can catch the 4:07 or if I'm running late 4:47) and i usually get home around 5:00 PM. If I work that night I spend my time getting ready for work and heading out the door to get there by 6:00.

Oh dear this is very dull indeed. Oh well.

Wednesdays and Fridays I don't have to volunteer at the center. So I either go home until 2:30 (which I've done today) or so when I have to catch the bus back for my guitar class, or I just stay at school go to the center and stay there until 2:30 when I go pick up the guitar etc.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have a bit more time in the morning. I generally catch the 8:00 AM bus to get to school because my first class doesn't start until 9:10, and so I like to get there a bit early. I'm done with my second class around 12:05 or so. I "volunteer" at the center from 12:30 to 2:00 each Tues and Thurs and then I generally go home after that, relax and get ready for work and such.

Really exciting right?

Well now that this useless background info is out of the way I can get on with what I was going to talk about. If you wanted to skip the first part and read the second part then this is where you would start reading.

Changes.

Particularly those in my schedule, go either two ways.

I'm really upset about them, generally for about 5 minutes until I realize that they are beyond my control and I just deal with the consequences.

Or

I'm really happy at the little accidents and what they cause.

Today was one of those days.

For the first time all semester I missed my 7:36 bus for my 8:35 class. As it turns out I may be trying to miss that bus more often.

As I'm about to leave my house the guy who lives up the street from me, whom I never see, was walking to the bus stop. So as I get to the stop myself he smiles at me and good lord I was smitten. He had a gorgeous smile. I couldn't hardly look at him the rest of the wait, I was embarrassed.

On the bus eventually I got a seat and I was basically able to nearly stare at him the whole ride, but I didn't because that would have been awkward considering how close he was. He has really cute brown eyes. Like I generally don't like brown eyes, but his were super cute. Everything about him, while not perfect, was really cute and worked together.

I think I'm going to try to change things up a bit more in the future. It seems like all the cute boys are about a half an hour later than me :P

Ok

That's all,

Matt

eh... his nose is a lil weird haha

February 22/23 - Whuuuuh....

2010-02-23T16:28:00.003-07:00

I'm sick still.

It sucks.

I finished my paper on Beowulf.

I went to gay coffee as I usually do on Monday nights. I didn't bother getting my computer out of my bag, so that's why I didn't make a post.

Yeah...

Matt

February 21 - Good Evening!

2010-02-21T18:13:00.002-07:00

I've done nothing all day.

Well that's not true. I've pissed away the day reading webcomics, watching South Park, and playing Chrono Trigger. Oh and I made pasta.

Worst part, I have a paper on Beowulf due tomorrow. It's nothing HUGE but it is worrisome that I haven't started it...

I really don't have much to say. February is almost over. Wow.

I'll probably make a big post tomorrow or sometime during the week when I have something to say. Weekends aren't good for me haha.

Matt

February 20 - Is it Wrong...

2010-02-20T21:46:00.002-07:00

To take extreme satisfaction in making fast drivers slow down as they become trapped behind you?

Cause if it is I don't wanna be right! Whoo.

Busy weekend. Today I judged debate as I have done previously and will continue to do... postiously??

It was nice to hear from kids who were not ignorant of the world around them (Did you know, Fidel Castro is trying to sneak into America and if we lift the trade embargo on cube he will get in?).

Awkward moment of the day: so I signed up for one of those dating sites cause I have nothing better to do (ok technically it was like a month ago (or two)) but this guy contacted me through it, and we'll just say he's... not cute. Well awkward turtle, he was at the tournament judging as was I. I don't know if he recognized me, but needless to say I didn't make efforts to let him... If he would have be un-cowardly and just talked to me or whatever, I could have respected that, but awkward avoidance worked for me too.

Oh and can I say of the tournament, fuckin' jailbait central.

Today's cute boy is brought to you by the letter U, as in yoUtUbe:

Enjoy,

Matt

February 19 - Blegh Day

2010-02-19T17:25:00.002-07:00

For me, Friday from 12:00 PM to 6:00 PM is the worst time in the whole week.

BLEGH...

Matt

February 18 - Sicky

2010-02-18T15:25:00.002-07:00

It's one of those times of year when my immune system decides to let a few bugs in.

As a result I have a bit of a head cold. I'm not miserable, nor dieing. I am just zapped of energy and I am in a state of minor inconvenience.

Oh and I'm a bit sassier because of being tired.

Anyway I'm not feeling up for the big post I was going to try and put together, so I'm going to leave it at this.

Take care y'all,

Matt

February 17 - When You Help Others...

2010-02-17T12:14:00.002-07:00

You can't help helping yourself!

Avenue Q again. Did I mention that I liked that show?

Haha anyway. Thanks to the commentators on my last post. I'm really not that upset about not getting many comments. It was more my attempt at self-deprecating humour. I appreciate and love comments, but they aren't central to what I'm doing here. I love validation, perhaps even live for it at times, though not to an extreme. That's what comments mean to me, they are validation of what I am saying. It's a battle fought by a lot of bloggers to get more comments and followers, well it's not everything central to a blog.

Blogging for me is... well it's a chance for me to write in an in-formal, personal, and fun way. I enjoy the writing process of coming up with things to say. I like to talk even when no one listens. So that's why I keep going I suppose. And that I'm a stubborn ass who will blog everyday in february damnit.

Anyway.

I'm going to do something I haven't done in a while, promote other blogs. (Perhaps I'll even update my blog lists 0_o).

Andrew of andrewbbizarre I like because he writes like I do in a lot of ways (although he should break things up with paragraph breaks, EMBRACE THE SPACE MAN, but that's just a personal observation). I'll admit I haven't been dutifully reading, but it is most definitely worth checking out.

Anton of Anton's Haus I have recently started following. I doubt he knows about my blog, especially considering I haven't commented on his posts at all (I'll get to it eventually), but I do like what I've been reading so far.

Ethan of Slowly Coming Out have been such a wonderful person to comment often on my blog when I haven't been able to return such a favor. Though often brash, he is a wonderful person and to follow his ups and down is fascinating.

That's all the promotions for today, if you would like to have nice things said about you, let me know! I'll be glad to do it :-)

Umm yeah...

Matt

What do you think? He's almost... tooo... plastic??? Let me know...

February 16 - You Make Me Feel so Young...

2010-02-16T16:21:00.002-07:00

You make me feel like Spring is Sprung!

Haha no reason for that other than the exceptionally nice weather we are having today. It's actually somewhat warm and sunny. Fun times at Ridgemont High.

So yeah, it was good to be back in school even if I didn't have a single "formal" class to go to. One class was canceled, the other "canceled" so we could go to a lecture on genocide.

The lecture (really technically a forum I suppose) was really interesting. It was about the legal side of genocide, what is is etc. Basically the presenter concluded that we should put aside debates over "genocide" for now, as the arguments surrounding such a definition are heated and don't usually go anywhere, and because of the very narrow legal definition of genocide, and instead, persecute Criminals again Humanity, which the international jurisdiction for crimes against humanity are more open and include more groups as well as acts.

It was a very interesting view on what genocide is and how we should prosecute it and other atrocities.

On a lighter note, I've started playing Chrono Trigger again, the best game for the SNES and possibly of all time. I love this game! It's a big time suck though, so I should probably limit my playing...

Oh and I think I'll start commenting on my posts so it doesn't seem like I'm a complete loser. I know people are reading as I get about 80 hits a day, but I guess no one can be bothered to write a comment (I'm talking to those who never comment, not that who have recently). Perhaps I'll start pimping my blog for some new readers (in addition to all you wonderful ones). I know this sounds a bit whiny and it really is, especially considering I never comment on other posts, but c'est la vie! I can be a bit greedy too.

Feel free to comment that I'm completely wrong! :P

Matt

February 15 - It's Just a Box Of Rain

2010-02-15T16:02:00.002-07:00

I have had used that title before somewhere, oh well.

It's been such a lovely rainy day. If you didn't know before I love the rain. Like I REALLY love the rain. That's why I'm crossing my fingers I can go up to the University of Washington in Seattle next year. I'm going to do this National Exchange Program deal-y in which I basically go to another school for a year for the cheap tuition. If I don't go there, I'll be going to St. Mary's College of Maryland, if not there, Rhode Island College, and if not there, Kent State Ohio. It's not even worth mentioning, or remembering for that matter, the other schools, Rhode Island is my "safety school" and Kent State is my "safety safety school".

But I won't find out where I'm going until the end of March. So no use worrying about it now.

I love the rain though, and my rain play list, some great songs.

It's just a box of rain,
I don't know who put it there,

Matt

February 13/14 - What a Weekend.

2010-02-14T21:02:00.003-07:00

So yeah, I missed yesterday. Whoops. I was busy ok?

So I guess I'll start with friday. Wine and Cheese/Housewarming Party for two of my good friends who have moved in together. One's a Dewey Decimal Dyke (her own label) and the other is your typical ex-mormon gay boy. I love them both. It was a great party and they have the coolest apartment. I love it.

So yesterday. I went to see 12 Angry Men again, this time with my Grandma, we have season tickets (she's been going for over 15 years with her friends, in the last 3 I've been joining with them). She's always very appreciative of me driving her to see the shows, she's not able to make the drive anymore on account of her eyesight being so bad. We went out to dinner afterward and I took her home. Then I went to work until the end.

After work I went to my good friend's birthday party for a little bit, she's turning 20. I had a bit of cake and left because it really was just a vag party and I was the honorary penis, I didn't want to take advantage of my privilege. So I left and went to another friend's birthday party. It was fun, big house party type environment, I didn't drink much (one drink really, and then plenty of water) because I had to drive my Dad to the airport this morning.

Yeah so today, I didn't do much. Other than see Where the Wild Things Are. Simply amazing. Nothing more to be added.

Matt

February 12 - What's in a title?

2010-02-12T16:10:00.002-07:00

My titles are always lame...

A title that seems lame is 12 Angry Men. But it's not. It tells you exactly what you're going to see. 12 men who are at various points or throughout, very angry.

I saw 12 angry men wednesday night. It's friggen intense! My finger nails are destroyed (from the biting of them you see).

But yeah, work has started up again, so I'll be off to do that tonight. After that. A wine and cheese party! Hooray! I have to bring the Edam.

Other than that... I don't really have much today. I turned in everything I needed to turn in this week and I think I did well on the quiz I had today.

I'm going to go scrounge up some food though, I seemed to have missed lunch somewhere along the way.

Slightly hungry,

Mstt

Februar10/11 - Double Feature!

2010-02-11T14:54:00.003-07:00

Ok sorry I didn't get a post up yesterday (who am I kidding I'm only sorry for myself), stuff happens when you've got a paper due the next day.

I only got 2-3 hours of sleep last night, as a result, I'm quite tired today. Almost fell asleep on the bus coming home... I love riding the bus too by the way, it's awesome.

I love cute boys on the bus, but hate it when they hide :(

OH well.

Whoops...

Idkmbffew.

Oh dear... I'm tired and loopy.

Aqualung my friend, aqualung.

Two pictures you ready?

sxxxx...

Matt

I've Got Rythym and It ain't always music.

I'm still Alive

Some Christmas Tune-age.

Well I'm Home

Less than a week!

Ahh... Much Better.

My Ideal Partner

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

Unforgetable

Attention!!

Forks Explained

Holy Saint Jesus This is Big!

PRO-Crastinator!

What Queer Means to Me

Hmm...

Five on the Fifth (Round)

Last Night In Salt Lake

Story of my Life.

Picture Time!

Mobile Blogging!

My 5 on the Fifth Contribution - Sept - "The Blues"

The One Time I Went to That One Place.

3 More Weeks

Don't Think Twice (It's Alright).

All You Need Is Love

Oh yeah...

More Photos

My mini Vacation

New Photos

Oh yeah... it was my birthday.

Pictures!

Random Thoughts

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Umm yeah

Crappy Day

He's gone

2 Years

Why?

I hate this

Come On Up to the House

Questions Answered! /slash/ Formspring

OMG!!

Three makes a trend!

Big Recap

Oh yeah...

Coming Attractions

Addiction - Addendum

I'm Exhausted!

A New Week

Harump: Updated

=( / hubjkljhbhjbhvtyhgyuig / hmmm.... (A Three Act Play)

At the end of the week.

Bsdflkj

Update on how I'm doing

Well... it's over.

I suck... Update: showdown

Neato Torpedo?

Ok, I get it.

Life

April 16 - Repost From a Different Time and Place

April 15 - Daniel

April 14 - Set Em Up

April 13 - Words and Music

April 12 - I've Got a Feeling

April 11 - I guess I will do one for today

April 10, 11 - Double Oops, but I have a good excuse.

April 9 - Oops

April 8 - A New Beginning

April 7 - The Doctor is in.

April 6 - Eyes

April 5 - Bring on the Rain

April 4 - Happy Easter!

April 3 - Cooking Adventures

April 2 - It wasn't a joke.

April 1 - This seems familiar...

Oh yeah... I do this don't I?

*sigh*

Bored

Ahh...

Little Things

sigh